There might be some people who believe that
moving to a new town will lose their own friends. However, I personally disagree the above topic
with two subsequent reasons. People can communicate their friends by using social
network and they can go their old town easily and quickly (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것 이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다).
First of all, people can talk with their old
friends by utilizing social network. It is true that people don’t have talk
face to face do not have to talk with others (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). However in the internet, there are plenty of site to communicate
with people. Hence people can talk with their friends even they live in a long
distance. For example, my close friends Joe leave the town and go to another
place left the town and went to another place (과거에 대한 얘기이기 때문에 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다), but we still have recent talk by using social network. In addition, we
share pictures and lots of goods by using envelope. Therefore, it doesn’t
matter to go a new town.
Second, thanks to the development of
transportation, people can visit their old town easily and quickly. In past,
people couldn’t visit their hometown because the distance is too far and they
don’t have any ways to go there could not visit their hometown since the distance is far and do not have ways to go. However, now days, when we travel some place
in long distance, we use public transportation, such as subway and bus easier
and faster. In addition, in recent studies that have in Korea, people 88percent
of people can visit everywhere by using transportation. This shows that they
can meet their old friends easily.
In this regard, I believe that people won’t
lose their old friends even though they move to a new town.
전체적으로 내용 면에 있어서는 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락의 구체적인 설명과 적절한 예시들을 통하여서 왜 우리가 이사를 가도 친구를 잃지 못하는 것인지를 말해주는 거 같습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이는 전체적인 내용은 좋게 서술하였지만 일반적으로 통용되는 어색한 표현들과 불필요한 문장들이 많습니다. 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.