A/D? people should not be allowed to use mobile phones when they use public transporation.
*첫번째 body는 시간관계상 하지않았어요.
It is unquestionable that now the society is becoming more information-oriented society.
is becoming보다는 have become이런식이 낳을듯
이전에도 information-oriented하긴했었죠? 더 information-oriented해졌다고 하는게 좋을듯하네요
As a result (In return), to interact and share a lot of information, a communications devices like such as a mobile phone (cellular phone), has developed. Its role is getting bigger and bigger than beforeever. Accordingly, there has been a lot of controversy about whether allowing people to use mobile phones in the public transportation or not
using mobile phones in public transportation.
In my viewpoint (In my point of view), using mobile phones in the public transportation is OKokay, thus should be allowed. OK같이 줄여서 쓰는말... 쓰시지않는편이 좋을듯.
이 문장에서요 그냥 In my point of view, using mobile phones in the public transportation should be allowed하시고
because 1._______________ 2._____________ and 3.______________
이게 어려우시면 because of (the following reasons.) (several reasons.)
첫번째 문단에서 문제점.
처음에는 모바일 폰을 단수로 쓰셨는데요. 중간에 복수로 바뀌셨더군요.
이런경우 하나로 통일해주시는편이 좋아요. 전...복수로 추천해드릴께요.
참고인데요 한국에선 mobile phone을 hand phone이라고하죠? 외국가서그러면 못알아먹어요.
mobile도 많이쓰지만 cell phone (cellular phone)을 보통 많이 쓴답니다.
그리고 콤마 다음에 이상하게 대문자로 쓰신게 많으신데요.... 오타인가요?
First of all, there are nuemerous ways to converse quietly without disturbing other people.
헉!! 당신은 통화하면서 다른사람을 패나요? damage라니요..
In some cases, we have to takeanswer calls inevitably(no matter what). Lots of people only think that using mobile phones in the public transportation disturbs the other people. In fact, we can use mobile phones quitely not causing any harm. And로 문장시작하지마세요. But으로도요
For instance, by using a microphone which can recognize a very tiny vocie and manner mode which only vibrate, and ear phone there is no danger to harm anyone even adjacent to you. In addition, when you are in emergency like someone is dead, you don't have any other choices but to use the mobile phone.
In some specific cases like someone's job is related to use mobile phones a lot like the telemarketer, they also have to use mobile phones a lot wherever they are.
Mobile phones which are essential to our life often make our personal relationship to the others good. It also serves as a bridge to the world.
Consequently, even we are in the public transporation there're many other alternative solutions that do not harm others and we have to take mobile phones wherever we are because it is significant.
Second of all (Secondly/Moreover/In addition), we cannot forbid people from interacting with others. and it is impossible actually. Actually, it is impossible. Second of all....이라는건 처음봤네요
Since there are no direct system of monitoring and supervising who use the mobile phone, (enforcing every single person not to use mobile phones does not make sense.)
it does not make sense to enforce every single person, so no one can use cell phone in the public transporation.
Also, this system will take costs a lot since we have to consider even the corner of the country and maybe it will be a time consuming of installing this system.
The fact that almost every in the whole country has the mobile phones also emphasize why this is impossible.
For instance, suppose every person in the public transporation has the mobile phones and talking loudly. Checking and monitoring every person will be a huge time consuming.
Thus, obscure planning of forbiding people will be one of the reasons why not allowing people to use mobile phones in the public transportation is so hard to practice.
every뒤에는 단수!!
마지막문장이...복잡하네요. 무슨내용인지는알꺼같지만 2문장으로 써주세요.
In a nutshell, there are many cases that we inevitably have to use mobile phones in today's busy society.
In a nutshell꼭...쓰셔야하나요?
Thanks to the many devices we can converse(communicate/contact with others) easily. and lastlyIn addition, non-direct system and following many problems make allow people to use mobile phones when they use public transportation not a problem anymore.
마지막 문장이 개인적으로 햇갈리네요.
Due to the non-direct system, using mobile phones in the public transporation is not a problem anymore.
이런건가요?
마지막 문단은 위에 나왔던 내용들을 정리하여주는 역할을합니다.
보통 첫번째 문장에서 주장했던바를 paraphrase하시거나 body에서 말해주신 포인트들을 간략하게 설명하죠.
following many problems와 같이 전에 mention하지않았던 부분은 말하시지 않는편이 좋아요.
글을 그렇게 많이 써보시지는 않으신거같은데요. 글쓰기에 있어서 많은 단어를 안다는거는 좀더 풍부하고
다향하게 표현할수있다..뿐이지 실상 그다지 필요없다고 전 봐요.
문장구조를 간단하게 하고 단순하면서도 명확한 단어 몇가지면 충분하다고 봐요.
열심히 하세요.