뭐....저도 최근 자주쓰진않아서 잘못쓰지만....실례를 무릎쓰고 한번해보겠습니다.
Those who believe that working on what they are interested in helps people do the work more efficiently might say that it is not necessary to do what they dislike doing.
첫번째문장에서요....조금 많이 복잡하네요. 문장을 너무 fancy하게 쓰시려고 하기보다는 간단하게 쓰는걸 추천해요. 감독관이 만약 이해가안되는 부분이있다고 여러번읽기를 바란다면..안되겠죠? 보통 한번읽고 이해안되면 clear하지않다는이유로 감점의 대상이 된답니다.
따라서 좀더 짧고 간략한 두문장으로 나누시거나 아니면
Those who believe that working on their interest think it is not necessary to do something oppose to their like. 아니면.. what they dislike. 와같이 써주세요. 관계대명사 한문장에 너~무 많으면 복잡해진답니다. 그리고 굳이 more efficient하다는 거는 여기서 써주실 필요는 없을듯해요.
However, contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that people must sometimes, if not all the time, do things
sometimes people should
must는 너무....딱딱하고 강요하는느낌이라 비추.. 굳이 쓰셔야한다면 should를 추천해드려요
that they do not enjoy doing.
The rationale behind this is that people are social animals and this fast-paced and comples society that we live in. and를 두번쓰셨는데요.... 제가생각하기에는 이문장 괜찬은듯.
To begin with, When it comes to having to perform what people do not like,
do not like도 좋지만 dislike라던지 hate도 적절히 쓰시면 좋을듯.
the fact that people are social animals plays a pivotal role. In a sense, it is true that not all people enjoy being with others. Thus, they do not have to behave contrary to their belif. However, even they cannot deny the fact that not a single person in the world can live by oneself alone.
Since all people have grown up by their parents or other grown-ups, even though when they become adults they need some other sources that help them to sustain their lives. For example, people need to earn money in order to make their living. If they do not work just because they have no desire to work, it means that they are going to suffer from hunger or live low-quality life. Then they have no choice but to beg other people for food and shelter. If they do not beg others just because they think it is such a shame, they are likely to die soon or later from malnutrition and diseases. In conclusion, people need to do things that they have to do from time to time in order to lead a satisfying life.
Moreover, as far as this fast-changing society is concerned, there is nothing that we can do except for keeping up with the trends that this society offers as soon as possible in order to not to fall behind. From having to read up-to-date news and latest novels to owning pets, there are many things we need to do to have something to talk about with your friends. Suppose that there is a state-of-art invention that just came out on the marcket. Even if you feel that that kind of product is not necessary in your life, you need to take a look at that thing even once to keep up with the trend. If you do not, you would feel very isolated when your friends talk about that product. Furthurmore, if you want to work at the company where everyone is required to wear formal suits, you must wear as everyone else wears even if you hate wearing business suits. If you do not, you are likely to get fired and you would suffer from financial difficulties and mental stress.
To sum up, because we are living in this fast-developing society where many other people migle together, most of the time, we must do what we do not like in order to sustain our lives and not to feel isolated and fall behind the trend. It seem somewhat harsh that we have to do things that we dislike, it may bring us positive in the long run in improving our personality and many others. For these reasons, I strongly believe that even things we do not like, we should never give up but keep trying persistantly for the better future.
죄송하지만 졸려서 여기까지밖에 못하겠네요. 전체적인 흐름이나 접속사 같은 부분에서는 크게 문제가 없는듯하네요. 단지...잘쓰려고하시는 마음에 쓰시는 긴문장같은것들이 이해하기 어렵게 만드네요. 짧게쓰셔도 충분하니 문장을 짧고 굵게쓰시는것이 좋을듯해요. 아무튼 열심히하셔서 좋은점우 얻길 기대해요