▶ Your Answer : At first glance, it is understandable that some people might think young people today are not better to make decisions about their lives, and young people in the past did not depend too much on their parents to make decisions. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for a subsequent reason. First and foremost, young people today are able to get an abundant amount of information from the Internet get abundant resources from the internet. To be specific, over the past few decades, a variety of internet-based communication means such as SNS and Youtube have been introduced, so young people today can easily get great updated information and advice online regardless of their location in which one can get information regardless of location. Therefore, they tend to get advice from online, but it was harder for young people in the past to access such information, so they had to get advice from their parents whenever they needed to make decisions for their life. However, in the past, thanks to lack of technology, people get advice from older people. Let me bring up my family’s story as an example. When For example, when (let me bring up~같은 표현은 구어체이기 때문에 적절치 않습니다) my grandfather was in high school, he wanted to become a cook, but his parents did not want it in which his parents disagree. They though the greatest job was a teacher due to its job security, and my grandfather ended up entering the university to get a degree of education even if he did not want to be As parents want his child to become teacher, my grandfather entered university not considering with his desire. This was because no No (this is because 표현은 좋지 않습니다) one could give him such advice but his parents. In contrast, when I was in high school, my ideal job was a fashion designer. Like my grandfather’s parents, my mom and dad also wanted me to be a teacher, but I could get a myriad of advice and information about a fashion designer online become a teacher. I watched some Youtube videos which were made by real fashion designer, so I could get overall information and a wide array of advice including pros and cons of the job. After watching so many of them, I could consider all the advice and decide to enter the university to get the degree for being a fashion designer to become a fashion designer. This clearly shows that young people today can easily get a wide array of advice online, which are helpful to make important decisions.
점수: 20 크게 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 너무 장황합니다. 특히 한 단락에 모든 정보를 넣으려고 하다 보니 전반적으로 에세이를 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 설득력 있게 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 결론이 없습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 결론이 중요하기 때문에 결론을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |