■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Mobile phones have given people more freedom. |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people think that mobile phones take freedom away. However, in my opinion, mobile phones have given people more freedom for following reasons. takes freedom away. However, I personally think mobile phone has given more freedom for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all, people can manage their time more effectively. Occasionally, unexpected events occur and make people inevitably change or cancel their plans to meet others. With mobile phones, they can easily adjust their schedule by making contact contacting with other people. For example, my professor asked me to leave after class for a meeting about my project. Even though I had a plan to have lunch with my friend, I could not refuse because . Thanks to my mobile phone, I sent a message to my friend that I am not able to meet her in time and did more urgent and important thing.
Second, people can go anywhere they want to go. Nowadays, mobile phones have numerous functions, which allow people to find a new place or to contact with family when they are away from home. It means that mobile phones make both traveler and their family relieve. In a poll, people chose mobile phones for the most important thing to take with them when they travel. This is because they They (this is because는 적절치 않는 표현 입니다) can search for locations that they are willing to go, and call or send messages anytime and anywhere to their family, who might worry them all day.
To sum up, mobile phones make it possible for people to have more freedom because people can readily arrange their schedule, and leave their home for a moment without any worries. In this regard, I think that mobile phones have given people more freedom.
점수: 25 일단 지금 이 에세이는 전체적으로 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 불필요한 부연설명들은 에세이로 하여금 장황하게 만듭니다. 따라서 주의하면서 서술해야하는 것은 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것이 아닌 간결하게 본인의 주장을 명확하게 전달하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하면 전체적으로 논리적이고 명확하게 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |
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