It is 로 시작할 바에는 질문으로 시작해 보세요
It is debatable whether playing games is helpful to learn about life. ← 논쟁의 꺼리가 너무 식상한 듯 하거든요, 그리고 첫 문단의 첫 문장인데 it is 라고 나가면 너무 지루하고 밋밋하고...
Do you think that playing games is helpful to learn about life..?
Some people think claim that people are taught of society learn social rules by from playing games thus it has a lot of benefits to human society indivisuals. 방향은 님이 잘 잡으시고요!
However, I believe that playing games negatively impacts to on human's life because people confuse to recognize between real society world and imaginary one and real life is not as simple as games.
First of all,
games, unreal ity place, affect negatively people's ordinary life due to of its stimulus. ← addiction
중독성도 한 번 생각해 보세요
High quality graphic and dramatic stories tempt people especially those who want to be out of their hectic life
because they are already exhausted by their typical tedious life (from their boring, routine days)
and looking any special material. ← 요건 매끄럽지 못한 것 같네요
Games that on imaginary places are perfectly suitable to satisfy to them
because anything is possible. able to do
Whatever they want to do such as gaining money from stealing by stolen and killing ed people who they hate.
Therefore, sometime it causes crimes in real world society because people become confused where they belong to are really in now. According to the studies by KBS, Korean national Broadcasting System, the rate s of offense from people who are addicted by games are 25% higher than 10 years ago. ← 이거
이해가 쉽게 더 간결하게 두 문장으로 나누어 쓰는게 나을 것 같습니다.
Also, they suspect that the possibility would be getting higher than now because of developing new game, especially the online games. ← 신게임을 개발해서 가능성이 높아졌다. 라고 썼네요
범죄율이 높아졌다. 라고 범죄이던, 무엇이던 명시하시고요, 그리고 new game 이라기 보다는
게임의 내용이 점점 더 포학해져 간다. The content of new games (on the market) gets ... ...
In this sense, playing games affects badly to on human society.
Secondly, the real world is not simple like games. ← cliche' 이런 문구를 쓸 때는
아주 명확하게 말을 해야 합니다.
Rules in game are extremely simple. On the online game, for example, people who have a strong weapon always win when any situation. However, the real community is totally different story. When people are in competition like on the online game, they should care of numerous aspects such as complex situations and relationship with co-workers. It is not alternative matter like games because we are possible to lose even if we do our best.
Since life is much more complicate than games, people do not gain any wisdom by playing them.
To sum, since unreality situations and simple rules in game world, we cannot learn any insight by playing games.
Ending 을 위 글들을 짧고 쉽게 다시 한 번 되새겨 주셔야지요
더 생각하셔서 가장 핵심적인 것들을 다시 명시해 주세요, 그러다보면 늘어나겠지요
글의 흐름이 아주 매끄럽습니다.
좋으네요
님 역시 논리를 생각하고 깊이있게 써야 합니다.
그거 하기 귀찮고 힘들져..?
꼭~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 하세요
그거 해야 점수 팍! 팍!! 올라갑니다.
그냥 운좋게 아는거 나와서 재수좋게 잘 써서 고득점 하겠다는 생각 혹시 하는거 아니져..?
아니시길 바랍니다.
여하튼, 글이 매끄러운건 최근들어 님 essay 가 아주 좋으네요
노력하실거져..?
점수요,
점수는 모르겠습니다.
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