여기에서 첨삭 받기는 부족하지 않으실런지...
My university is a state school so it is given plenty of money as a hand-out from my national government, ← hand out 을 어떤 의미로 쓰셨는지... 저가 잘 이해가 안되서요 질문 드립니다...?
and it also gets some money from local charity community. Besides, my university has great history, and there are many convenient services and programs for students. 참고해 보세요 and it 에서 and 빼고 it 을 My university 로 새 문장으로, 명사로 시작하면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. ← Besides 가 앞 두 문장과 연결하는데 있어서 어색합니다. 빼는게 더 낫지 않을까요..!!!
밑줄친 부분이 이상할리 전혀 만무한데요, 한 번 참고해 보시면
provides many convenient services and programs for students. and 앞에 my university 가 주어로 있으니까요..! 저것만 써도 충분할거 같습니다.
Yet, I believe that my school needs to use these gifts of money for developing facilities and infrastructures for students since I feel uncomfortable from my university's old facilities and lack of devices which are vital for studying. ← 이 문장 위에서 많은 편안한 서비스와 프로그램을 제공한다고 했으니까, 이 문단에서는 딱! 시설만 언급해 주시면 더 쉽게 잘 와 닿을 것 같습니다. infrastructure 까지 넣지 않아도 되지 않을까요.. (요건 완전한 사적의견입니다)
Yet, I believe that my school needs to use these money (한 단어로 줄임) for developing facilities (역시 한단어로 줄임) for students since I feel uncomfortable from old facilities (my university 뺌)
To begin with, facilities and infrastructures can be a stimulation to improve students' accomplishments about their study. ← stimulation 자극... can be a stimulation 을 help 로 써보시면 어떨런지..
... ... facilities help students accomplish their goal.
Theses day, there are many professional jobs appeared. Thus,
major students’ subjects in my university are in terms of these professional jobs. ←
many majors are related to professional jobs. or
my school teaches (serves or provides) many professional courses (or majors)
To study these subjects, not only intelligent students are needed but also high quality of facilities and infrastructures such as laboratories and English studying classes for students is are demanded.
Because, these facilities can lead to students doing more to hard work and to having more better (어때요) chances for studying their subjects as stimulation. Therefore, my university can improve the quality of educations for the students who study more professional subjects. ← 없어도 전혀 무관할 것 같습니다. 어떤 방향으로던 교육의 질은 높아지는 것이고 또 누구를 위해서든 좋은 거니까요.
Another reason why building facilities and infrastructures with a gift of money is the best option choice (or decision) to spend money is that my school can produce more intelligent students and grow its competition in society. ← 너무 길게 쓰셨네요, produce 가 너무 딱딱하기도 하고요
Another reason for new facilities from the financial assistance is to cultivate students of ability with high quality education.
As my university spend the money on establishing facilities and tools for students, students can learn various things about their study, and it also contributes to increase potential of the students. ← 문장이 vague 하기도 하고요, 너무 general 하지요. '더 많은 실험, 시각교육, 현장교육을 할 수 있다는 점에서 좋지 않느냐' 라고 말을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
5. Therefore, my university's students could be more successful in society through this establishment of the facilities and infrastructures, and my university gets (would earn or achieve or attain) a higher reputation simultaneously without advertisements which they used to improve their reputation. ← 밑줄은 빼주심이... 좋을 듯 합니다.
All in all, my school can reinforce their reputation and get superior students accept (or recruit) excellent students. by building facilities and infrastructures with the spare money that it gets as a present. Therefore, I think that my school needs to execute practice the project about building facilities and infrastructures for students with the money.
문장 전체가 중복되는 부분이 많은듯 합니다. 위의 5번과 같은 경우는 설명이
시설을 갖게 됨으로 그들이 사회에서 성공할 수 있을 것이다. 라는 의견을 썼는데요, 마치,
써보세요, 좋아요, 효과적입니다. 인기가 많아요 ← 1
미백효과에 윤기도 높고 기름도 적고 영양도 높아요 ← 2
바로 위의 1번과 같은 느낌이랄까요..!!! 이해 되시지요~!
문장 구성능력이 워낙 좋으셔서
내용만 충실하게 구도를 잡으시면 뭐... 점수가 거의 만점을 기록하지 않을까 합니다.
이미 쓰는 쪽으로는 잘하시는데요
각 문장마다 (말 그대로, 한 문장마다) 깊이있게 생각하시고 어떻게 쓰면
상대방이, 혹은 3자가 머릿속에 그림을 더 잘 그릴 수 있을까를 고민해 보세요
위의 1 번과 2 번의 차이를 명확하게 하는 훈련이 필요합니다.
해도 해도 표시는 안나고 힘든 작업이지만 그것만 한다면 글을 쓸 때마다 고득점이 될거라 생각합니다.
수고하세요
|