▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that young people should follow their parents occupation. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, people who got a job in the same area with their parents can not meet different people. Second, it could be stressful work with their mothers and father. To begin with, there might be a good chance to interact with another person if one got a job in different area with their parents. To be specific, they can meet lots of various field people while they work and got a new idea (앞 문장과 반복됩니다 또한 구체적으로 이유에 대한 설명을 하고 난 후 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For example, when I graduated from university, I choose a work in the same field as my father. However, I feel boring that I could not communicate with others. So I quick a job and work in different area with my parents. Finally, I feel happy and I could make a new friends. On top of that, parents can give an advice to their sons and daughters if they work together. However, this can not be a good affect to their child because it might be stressful effect to children as it can increase the stress (affect는 동사 입니다 명사가 아닙니다). Also, most child feel feels (child는 단수 주어 입니다) that their parents interfere with their decisions. For instance, there was a poll conducted by Gallup with one hundred people who work with their parents as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about how much they have satisfaction on their jobs. An overwhelming 85% responded that they do not satisfy on their workplace since they spend so much time with their parents. To sum up, working with parents do not have benefit that people can not contact with another areas and it might be stressful. In this regard, I firmly believe that young people should develop their own careers.
점수: 23 각 단락에 있어서 오류가 존재하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 예시로 바로 넘어가는 것 보다는 이유에 대하여서 설명을 더 구체화 시키길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 예시가 이유를 잘 서포트 못하는 거 같습니다. 좀 더 이유를 잘 서포트 할 수 있는 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |