▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that there still is a significance why family pattern has to be expanded these days extended family is still important nowadays. However, in my opinion, nowadays society has been changed dramatically, whick make the family smaller. This is because a society has gone through drastic industrial improvement and the necessity of marriage has been decreased through modernization of a society. so extended family is not imperative for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, a society we live has moved from the cultivating stage to the industrial one society has been changed. In the past, most of people maintains people maintain (people은 복수 주어 입니다) their living by farming, that made family gather together gathering people together. This was because the work The work (this was because는 적절치 않는 표현 입니다) of farming needed many labors. Thus, to live to do run running farms requires family to be aggregated. A study was conducted by the Korean Farming Council to determine whether the size of family is related with jobs, especially farming. What they found was intriguing. Small family, under with 3 members, tended to live in city, and they never were engaging in farming. On the other hand, an overwhelming 83% of bigger families, over with 3 members, were living in countryside to do farming. This was because family Family in rural region should get together to run farmhouse, which was asking amounts of men power, while it was not necessary for family in cities since they did not have to do jobs together. This study proves that industrialization made the size of family decrease.
On top of that, the essence of marrages has become less cared today than ever before marriage has become less important. Nowadays, there is high competition for young generation to get jobs and the costs of housing seems to be raised forever is increasing constantly. Thus, young men cannot afford the marriage. This is because, it is harder than ever before to pay rent, buying what they need for their lives. They become to be given up for the life of marriage that requires financial capacity to give up marriage which requires a lot of money. For example, there was a poll conducted by the Korea Marrage Association with 200 people in twenties as respondents to understand the consensus view of the necessity of marriage. The majority of the respondents responded that they had no plan to marry since they had no confidence to make money enough to buy a house for their family's living and raise their children. This survey shows that young people have a negative view of marriage. Consequently, the diminished number of newly marriage leads to family smaller.
To sum up, surroundings around us have changed to the high-technology one and it is getting harder for young men to make money. In this regard, I hold that today the value of the large family has been decreased than before.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 너무 장황하다라는 느낌이 드는 독립형 에세이입니다. 장황하다라는 느끼밍 가장 크게 두는 이유는 예시에 너무나 많은 시간을 투자했기 때문입니다. 예시에 너무나 많은 시간을 투자하다 보닌 전체적으로 에세이가 장황하게 되고 본인이 전달하고 자 하는 것이 변질됩니다. 따라서 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 많으니 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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