▶ Your Answer : It is hard to deny that teachers play important role in well-balanced education. In this regard, there might be some people who believe that teachers were not more appreciated by society in the past than they were nowadays. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for a subsequent reason, First and foremost, technology today has been developed. To be specific, students can get an abundant amount of information from the Internet. Since a myriad of internet-based platforms such as online dictionary and educational websites have been introduced, it is easier for people to get great updated information from the Internet without their teachers. However, in the past, there was no option but attending classes and being taught by teachers in person to gain knowledge, and this means that the value of teachers has become much lower. but to attend classes to learn the knowledge from teachers. Let me bring up my family’s experience as an example. My For example, my (let me bring up~표현은 구어체 이기 때문에 독립형 에세이에서는 적절치 않습니다) grandfather was a math teacher in high school, and thirty years ago, it was harder for students to get knowledge of math. Therefore, they always asked him for the help to understand a wide array of math concepts. Every student in his school highly spoke about my grandfather because had it not been for him, they would not have learned and understood various math concepts. It was the same for other teachers in the school, because learning about academic concepts from teachers in person was the only way to get an education. In contrast, I have though learned Chinese in middle school for five years, and I am one of the professional teachers in the school even if I am not Chinese. However, all the students do not concentrate on my class because they think that it is more helpful for them to learn Chinese online. There are a variety of resources about learning Chinese such as Youtube videos. They even ask any question in the class, and just search for information via smartphone application such as Chinese dictionary. This clearly shows that students today can get a lot of information online, so teachers are not valued than they were in the past.
점수: 21 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 결론이 없습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 결론 자체가 에세이를 마무리하는 역할을 하고 있기 때문에 결론을 꼭 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 너무 장황합니다. 한 단락에 모든 정보를 넣으려고 하니 에세이가 장황하게 될 수 밖에 없습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이는 간결하게 에세이를 서술할 필요가 있습니다. 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |