▶ Your Answer : In order to enter a university which students want, it is hard to deny that getting high grades is important for children. In this regard, there might be some people who believe that offering school-age children money regarding high grade marks is not a great idea. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for a subsequent reason. First and foremost, money that is given by their parents can stimulate children. To be specific, studying hard and getting high grades are not easy for students without motivations. Even if some students have own motivations to study, a lot of students usually do not have those things. In this case, receiving money from parents can be an efficient way to motivate children. Let me bring up my personal experience as an example. When For example, when me (let me bring up~은 구어체이기 때문에 독립형 에세이에서 필요 없습니다) and my friend whose name is Tom were in the same middle school, we did not have interests in studying, so our grades were not great. One day, my mom suggested me that she would give pocket money if I get high grades on final exams. At that time, I really wanted to buy a new MP3 player, so I accepted her suggestion. During the semester, I did nothing but study because money motivated me significantly. On my exams, I got not only perfect scores on math and science, but also almost perfect grades on history and literature. In contrast, it was not the same for Tom’s parents. They thought giving money to their children would not be effective. However, unlike I got fantastic grades on final exams, he did not study a lot and his grades were still not good. Before my mother’s suggestion, my overall grade and Tom’s one were similar, but mine became much higher. She continued to use the method until I graduated high school, and it was surely effective. Since there were so many things I wanted to buy, I continued to study hard to get money. Had it not been for money as a motivation, I would not have studied hard. In a nutshell, if parents offer a certain amount of money to their children when they get high grade marks, this situation can stimulate children to study hard. For this reason, I strongly believe that giving money to children who get high grades is a great idea to make them study.
점수: 22 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론 까지 너무 장황한 독립형 에세이입니다. 이러한 부분이 나오게 되는 가장 결정적 요인은 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 합니다. 또한 예시에 대해서 너무 길게 서술하였는데. 예시는 이유를 서포트 하는 것이지 주가 되면 안됩니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 구체적이고 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |