▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that
students should be taught about specific careers and fields in place of general
subjects in universities and high schools university should teach specific careers and fields. However, I personally disagree with
the above idea for two subsequent reasons. Firstly, students should receive
well-balanced education. Secondly, learning general subjects will be beneficial
for students’ future careers. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, well-balanced education
should be given to students. To be specific, besides conveying specific
knowledge, universities and high schools should teach values like justice,
ethics, morality and virtue for students to grow up as mature adults.
Opportunities to learn above important values can be given to students through
general subjects. According to a recent research by SNU Institute of Education,
a majority of successful leaders said that they were inspired by studying
general subjects. This is because they broadened their way to thinking and
learned how to understand society and other people by learning general
subjects They broadened their way of thinking by learning how to understand society and other people through general subject (this is because는 적절치 않는 표현 입니다). This clearly shows that learning general subjects in the school is an
effective way to raise mature adults. to make people become matured adults
Secondly, it is beneficial for students’
careers to learn general subjects for students' career, general subject is important. By learning general subjects, students are
exposed to a variety of knowledge. With this knowledge, young students can find
their new interests and talents, which can help students looking for a new
career path and be beneficial when they work in their fields in the future. Let me bring up my personal story as an
example. When For example, when (let me bring up my~같은 표현은 너무 구어체 스럽습니다 적절치 않습니다) I was majoring in music in university majored in music, I didn’t did not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) want to learn
other things except for music because I knew what I want to study. However, my
university required students to have general subjects, I reluctantly choose
literature. At first, it was bored but I became having an interest in it more
and more as time went by boring but I started to have an interest in which literature became my minor subject. I decided to minor in literature, and now I am
serving as a literature teacher in the high school. If I had not studied
literature at that time, I could not have found the current job.
In conclusion, teaching general subjects to
students can provide students not only well-balanced education, but also benefits
to be helpful for their future careers. For these reasons, I personally believe
that general subjects should be taught for students in universities and schools
rather than specific careers and fields.
점수: 23
일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하게 합니다. 플로우가 방해 받다 보면 전체적인 에세이의 뜻이 변질되게 됩니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 주의하시면서 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 어색한 표현들만 재외하고는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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