▶ Your Answer : Nowadays, right decision undoubtedly plays a pivotal role in the twenty first century, thanks to the contributions of some of the great minds in history. Many people may think that hasty decisions can sometimes be (동사가 없습니다) right. However, in my eyes in my opinions, rapid determinations are never the right ones for the following reasons.
To begin with, most hasty decisions are based on people's emotion and intuitiveness, which is a widely accepted fact in the contemporary society. If they decide without considering other variations, rate of possibility to make (동사가 없는 문장은 옳지 않습니다) mistake and regret will increase highly where high level of regret can be occurred. According to the study conducted by Seoul National University, one group of students received 10 questions with 10 minutes to solve and another group was assigned same questions with 30 minutes where other group was assigned with 30 minutes. After solving the problem, rate of correct answer was absolutely high in second group. This is because former Former (독립형 에세이에서는 this is because는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) group had to solve the question quickly without considering other aspects of problem due to the lack of time. University consequently concluded that fast decision can cause some mistakes. The survey shows how fast decisions can make mistake
Furthermore, people can consider myriad of situations if they do not decide something quickly (이유는 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다.). Contemplating about many circumstances can surprisingly make people more satisfied and make positive ramifications (이 부분에 대해서 구체적으로 설명을 하시고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다). For instance, my aunt opened cafe franchise in downtown because that franchise was very sought-after at that time. However, she gave up operating it since there were lots of other cafe near her stores. She really regretted to think one facet of making profit. After her fail, she investigated what types of stores were operated adjacent there and she finally decided to open cosmetic store. There are no famous make-up stores near hers and a department store, which sells beauty-related objects is very far from hers. Subsequently, she got a satisfying success and adviced me not to make a rapid decision. (일단 예시와 주제와 무슨 연관성이 있는 지 모르겠습니다)
To sum up, yes, many individuals my assert that fast determinations can be the right ones occasionally. On the contrary In contrast, this implication is refuted by the aspects of potential mistakes and lack of time to consider many situations. Therefore, I firmly stand by my position that people should not make hasty decision for right one without considering other circumstances.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락에 있어서 문제점들이 보여지는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 두 단락 모두 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 이유를 구체적으로 서술하시지 않은체로 바로 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있는 데 좀 더 구체적으로 이유에 대하여서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 이유와 무슨 연관성이 있는지 모르겟습니다. 따라서 관련성 있게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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