▶ Your Answer :
It is hard to deny that having time with parents is important to children. There might be some people who believe that the best use of parents’ time when they are busy is doing schoolwork together instead of playing games or sports. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for a subsequent reason. First and foremost, playing games and sports enables children to relieve their stress. To be specific, children today have their hands full doing study due to the competitiveness of today’s society, so they tend to be stressed out easily confront with stressful situation, in this competitive world as they have to deal with a plethora of study. However, doing activities such as games and sports with their parents is able to make makes (is able to표현은 모호하게 설명하는 느낌이 듭니다) them forget about their bad days and worries. Also, they can do their schoolwork without asking parents for the help, because it is easy for them to get a myriad of great updated information about their assignment online as it is easy to get a lot of information about their assignment. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When For example, when (let me bring up~같은 표현은 너무 구어체 같기 때문에 적절치 않습니다) I was in elementary school, my parents did nothing but work because they both worked in an emergency hospital. Whenever they had free time, they played tennis with me, and it was the most momentous time from my childhood which was the most momentous time from childhood. At that time, I was very stressed out because there were so many things to do including a lot of homework. Because they were too busy, I made use of not only printed books from the school library, but also online articles to understand academic concepts relative with my classes Since my parents were very busy, I could study assignment and schoolwork by myself. It was hard for me to do schoolwork by myself, but as time went by I got accustomed to it and it enabled me to get the great achievement of the classes. Unlike doing homework, it was impossible for me to play games or sports alone because such things always require someone who can play with me together. This was the reason why my parents did play sports when they had spare time, and it was the perfect way to relieve my stress and create strong bonds with them. In a nutshell, children can not only relieve their stress, but also make strong bonds by doing physical activities with their parents. In contrast, they can do their schoolwork alone by searching a myriad of information online, and this clearly shows that it is not necessary to doing assignments together when their parents have free time (결론에서 들어가지 않아도 되는 문장 입니다). For this reason, I strongly believe that it is better to spend time on playing games or sports rather than to do schoolwork together.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 가장 큰 문제점은 한 단락으로만 서술했다는 것 입니다. 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 한 거 같습니다. 이렇기 때문에 전체적으로 에세이가 장황하게 되고 자신의 표현을 못 전달하게 되는 거 같습니다. 이렇게 장황하게 에세이를 서술해서 본질이 흐트려 지는 것 보다는 두 가지 이유를 서술하여서 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하는 것이 더 중요할 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |