▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that airplanes have made a greater impact on society than cars. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons: cars helps relieve stress and they are good for relationship.
First, It(what is?) is a good way to relieve stress. This is because people today are under a lot of stress and pressure due to the competitiveness of present society. With spending time to drive a car, people can forget about their stress and be refreshed. This is good (앞에서도 good한번 나왔는데 최대한 단어 반복 안 되도록 적으면 좋을 것 같습니다) for their efficiency from their workplaces. However, many people are scared to take a plane and it doesn’t give any effect on their work. Let me bring my sister’s personal story as an example. My sister Sohee is an engineer who works very long hours. After work, she is usually very stressed and tired from her heavy workload. She often enjoys to drive her car before she comes back to home to forget about her daily stress, which helps her to work more efficiently the next day. On the contrary, She said that taking an airplane makes her tensed and scary so that it is just annoying for her business trip. If it had not been for driving, she would have a hard time getting rid of her stress.
Moreover, It is good for relationship.(바로 윗 paragraph와 똑같이 문장을 시작하는 건 좋은 방법이 아닙니다. 이렇게 적으면 표현력이 안 좋아보입니다) To be specific, while using a car, people can spend time and have a conversation. This creates chances for people to exchange thoughts, which is helpful for creating a memory of sharing a fun experience. On the other hand, people should be quiet from a airplane because there are many strangers. According to a survey done by HUFS institute of Sociology, 80% of respondents said that using a car with their family and friends is beneficial for their relationship. This is due to the fact that they are able to socialize together and have fun, which allows them to have a conversation and create memories together. This clearly shows that using a car is a good way to strengthen relationships.
In the conclusion, using a car is helpful for not only relieving stress, but also relationships. (너무 그대로 적지 말고 어휘 다르게 적어주는 게 좋습니다) In this regard, I personally believe that cars have been much more influential than airplanes on society.
conclusion에서 주장 설명 조금 더 자세하게 나왔으면 좋을 것 같아요. (3줄 정도로 끝내는 게 좋습니다) paragraph의 첫 줄 중요한데 너무 간단하게 적은 것 같아 아쉬워요. 조금 더 흥미롭게 적으면 좋을 것 같습니다. 어휘가 아쉽습니다. 우선 good이라는 단어 너무 많이 나옵니다. 연습할 때는 반복 어휘 1번 이상 나오지 않도록 연습해야 실전에서 반복 어휘 최소화할 수 있습니다. 최대한 동의어 위주로 다양하게 써야 전체적인 설득력도 높아진다는 점 잊지마세요 |