(7) As the technology progresses, more and more companies require employ(e)es to have deeper knowledge about their majors, so it is a quite controversial argument whether university education should be available to all students or only to good students. However, (1)in my opinion, I think all students should have chance to learn higher education because(,) all people have the right of education equally and some students tend to develop their competence at a higher education institute.
More than anything else, all people should be (2)equivalent of learning education. As the proverb, "A dog has a good look at the bishop", all man is created equally and also we should have same opportunity to (3)learn higher schooling. If only good students (are) enable to learn higher courses, some protests would probably occur to object that. (4)To illustrate, some universities in
In addition, some people develop their aptitude in university or college. Most Korean high school students have (5)few time to develop their suitability because they are busy with studying main subjects such as mathematics, Korean, English. Therefore, a majority of them cannot do various activities associated with their interests. However, when they enter university or college, they have more time to improve their talent. For the Best example of this, my brother has capability of drawing, but he had little time to practice painting in high school because he also should got an excellent record of primary subjects. However, after (6)enrolling of university, he could continuously train his works and he won a lot of prizes. In this manner, people can elevate and exercise their capacity by taking higher education.
In conclusion, taking the respective results of each opinion into account, I definitely believe all people should participate in college or university to have equal qualification and raise their facility. This would cause them to be ahead of time as professional in the world.
(1) : 중복..삭제
(2) : 용법 참조.
(3) : schooling은 receive 동사와 함께 쓰임
(4) : 의미 전달 안됨.
(5) : little
(6) : enrollment to ; enrollment 라는 명사가 있으므로 명사의 사용이 우선합니다.
(7) : 사회가 점점 지식이 많은 사람을 필요로 한다는 것은 이 주제가 논쟁거리라는 것에 대한 이유가 되지 않습니다. 오히려 모두 고등교육을 받아야 한다는 주장에 대한 논거로 쓰이는 것이 낫겠네요.
(8) : 두 번째 본론은 참 좋은데요, 첫 번째 본론이 좀 이상합니다. 참고로, ‘교육은 누구에게나 평등하다.’ 라는 주장을 펴시려면 어떤 철학적인 근거로 접근하는 수 밖에 없어서 구체적인 예시를 들기에는 우리의 영어 실력과 철학적 배경이 무척 딸릴 것 같습니다. 그래서 다른 주장을 펴시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면, 아인슈타인의 예는 어떨까요? 아인슈타인은 과학 방면에만 뛰어난 학생이어서 실제로는 대학입학 조건에는 못 미쳤다고 합니다. 그래서 고등학교 선생님이 직접 대학교수를 찾아가서 애원한 끝에 입학했고 결국 우리가 아는 바로 그 아인슈타인이 되었다. 머 이런 식이면 좋을 것 같네요.