■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Some people think that parents
should plan their children’s leisure time carefully. Other people believe?
those children should decide for themselves how to spend their free time, Which
idea do you agree with? Give reasons for your choice. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that children’s free time should be planned by
their parents instead of deciding themselves. However, I strongly believe that
children should design their leisure time since this will help them grow up to
be independent adult, and they will have stronger relationship with their
parents.
To begin with, strong and independent adults come (주어 동사 불일치) from their
child’s experience that what they did and how they grow up in their childhood.
Children who planned their given time themselves can handle their life independently
even if they are at the crossroads or undergoing hard work. For instance, my
sister, Josephine, was to stand on her own feet when she was young. She always
organized her time outside of school not only playing with dolls and but also
studying what she learned in school. This made (시제 -> 과거 시제) my sister to build up
self-confidence and independent person. She is never frustrated when she starts
something new because she has a lot of experience about which option is better
for her.
On top of that, planning children’s leisure time by their
parents forced them to have negative emotion with their parents. Children can
feel resentful when they are (be동사 필요) controlled by their parents, and this leads to worsened relationship. This is illustrated by a recent study conducted by a researcher
from the University of Minnesota. The researcher Mr. Kim, he studied 800
students who are above than 20 years old. They completed a detailed
questionnaire designed to identify key aspects of student’s personality and
relationship with their family. The 75% of respondents who thought that they
feel bad relation with their family responded that they had experience about
parental pressure when they young. Then researcher compared the students who
are in good relation with their family. The results present that the students
had experience about parent’s pressure but mostly their parents respect their
child’s opinions when they had different view.
To sum up, children can grow up independently and they have good
relationship with their family if they design their life themselves.
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. 필요없는 사족이 많습니다.
굳이 이 문장성분 혹은 이 구가 필요한지 잘 생각해주세요!
4. 사소한 문법 오류가 잦은 편입니다. proof-reading을 꼼꼼하게 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*