▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that companies should
advertise their products in TV programs because it provides the greatest effect
to the companies. (such as??) However, in my opinion, it's better to ban advertisements in
TV programs considering the fact that advertisements distort the flow of TV
programs content and producers of TV programs will only make commercial themes
of program to earn more money.
To begin with, the flow (what do you mean by flow?)TV programs will be
disturbed. To be specific, most TV programs are not fitted to the
advertisement of specific products. Therefore, in order to advertise the
product, the contents have to be modified for the product features, even if it
is deviated to the main story of the programs. To give an anecdote, I had a
favorite comic show in television, so I always watched them during my recess
time. However, when the show began to implementing the advertisement
during the show, I lose my interest on that in a sudden. This is because that
the show abandoned to make fun things to
advertise the product and it loses the main purpose of the show which was made
for fun.
On top of that, there will be no diversity
in the topics of programs. In this materialistic world, money is regarded as
one's power. If you have no money, you will be ignored by other people. In the
worst scenario, there will be no place to stand without money. (d이 문장을 쓴 의도는 알겠ㄴㄴ데 너무 길게 나와서 문장의 흐름을 망치는 것 같습니다)Thus, when
producers start to earn a lot of money from commercials in TV programs, they
will be obsessed with the topic that can get
advertisements easier. For example, in Korea, the government legislated the new
law of permitting direct advertisement during programs in nowadays. Hence,
there was a poll, with 50 mass media experts as respondents, conducted by the
Institute of media communication to find out the view regarding intermittent
advertisement. The majority of experts replied that most TV programs are
changing their topics or contents to be more commercial. One of the respondents
explained the reasons that most broadcast
company would concentrate on the programs which could take them more money.
To sum up, it is possible to disturb the
main story of programs and the TV programs will be repeated in commercial
themes. In this regard, advertisements of companies' products in TV programs
should not be permitted.
우선 conclusion이 조금만 더 길게 나왔으면 좋을 거 같습니다. (한문장이라도 더 써주시면 좋아요) 어휘는 약간은 반복적입니다. 조금만 더 다양하게 어휘/표현 써주미녀 너무 좋을 거 같아요 주장 자체는 좋은데, 이게 제대로 설명되지 않은 거 같아 약간 아쉽습니다. supporting detail이랑 예시조금 더 자세하게 작성해주시면 좋을 거 같습니다
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