▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversy over whether the earth is becoming worse place to live due to human action. This argument has been vital problem nowadays, because there are many environmental issues that make people and animals to live. I confidently believe that human activity let the earth become harsh place to live on. The reasoning behind this is that the global warming occurs and atmosphere is polluted by human activity.
To begin with, human and animals are being suffered from global warming. (global warming이 왜 making worse place to live로 만드는데 일조하는건지 설명해주셔야 할 거 같습니다) The global warming means that the average temperature of surface of the earth is increasing. This is a serious problem because it can lead the water level of ocean to rise, which can be threat to residents who live near the ocean. Also, the food chain may collapse. According to the food chain, almost all living things are connected by each others. If one species extinct, the entire ecology will demolish. However, large portion of people do not consider this as a serious problem, or say her or his utility is more important than environment and keep doing harmful actions. (이걸 두 문장으로 나눠서 적으면 더 깔끔해보일 거 같아요) For example, my uncle drives a large sport utility vehicle to his work, though he commutes alone. Asked why he continues to use such a harmful car, he said that the happiness he gets from driving such a expensive car is far more important than keeping the environment safe. If there were not inconsiderable behaviors of people, the global warming would be alleviated.
Secondly, actions of human, such as factory, are main reasons of pollution in atmosphere. In other words, factories and other constructions made by human emit harmful particles. To be more specific, the quality of atmosphere is vital to health conditions of human. For example, my country is recently suffering recently suffered from microscopic dust flowing from adjacent country. The more the quantity of pollution come, the more citizens cough. My mother especially coughs very much when wind brings much dust. Therefore, the manmade faculty is reversely giving us unpleasant and unhealthy effect.
To conclude, I am convinced that the earth becomes a worse settlement by human activity because of global warming and air pollution committed by human actions.
오프토픽의 기준을 잘 모르겠어요ㅜㅜ이런 식으로 지구온난화, 대기오염이라는 오염 사례를 근거로써 제시해도 되는 건가요..?
수일치 오류 굉장히 많습니다. 간단한 오류인만큼, 그냥 지나가는 부분이 많은 거 같은데 proof reading 자세하게 하셔야 합니다. concise하지 않은 부분들이 사실 많이 보입니다. 제 생각에는 문장들이 조금 더 자세해야 하고, 이에 대한 supporting detail이 조금 더 자세하고 다양하게 설명되었으면 훨씬 더 좋았을 것 같아요 |