■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :
To begin, extended family give a strong bond to one in the extended family so it helps one to be able to form a reliable and psychologically healthy mind. In modern society, people are more likely to feel lonely and isolated as people more focus on their lives and are busier than before. It causes many social issues including increasing rate of suicides. But (but 뒤에 컴마 오지 않습니다.) in the extended family, people can feel more they are strongly supported by their families. For example, when I was young, I usually lived only with my parents and an older sister and when I came back to home from school, most time the house was empty as both my parents had to work and my sister was in out for studying. Therefore, many times I had to eat by myself and felt lonely. But when my grandparents stayed for months in my house, I was able to eat and talk with them after school. While living with them together, I was able to feel more supported and to get more along with my friends in school.
Moreover, people can nourish their thoughts as they live with their grandparents. Grandparents lived in a different history and therefore they have different thoughts with not only myself but also with my parents. Therefore, people can broaden their eyesight to the world by deeply interacting with their grandparents. To be specific, my grandparents experienced North and South Korean War back then in 1950. They told me heardstories about what they and their friends experienced in the war and I was able to deeply understand the history and able to have better eyes to see the real world. If they did not (줄임말 사용을 지양해주세요.), I would think only based on what described in my books in class and would not develop my thoughts further.
To sum up, extended family has (주어 동사 불일치) many merits as it gives strong supports and warmness to its members and also makes them have more developed thoughts to the history and the world. For these reasons, I firmly believe that the extended family is important today as before.
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1. 사소한 문법 오류가 잦은 편입니다. proof-reading을 꼼꼼하게 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. introduction이 없습니다. 에세이 구성 요소에서
서론은 굉장히 중요한 역할을 합니다.
시간 조절을 잘 하셔서 결론까지 다 쓰실 수 있게 해주세요!
수고하셨습니다. *^^*