Dear 토플끝내자ㅠㅠ:
I made some comments on your work. I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
Some people often insist that a zoo has no practical usefulness. However, contrary to this opinion,[C1] I convince[C2] that a zoo is extremely useful and also has a number of practical purposepurposes. The rationale behind this is that a zoo provides various people with a valuable opportunity to go through entirely new experiences. Moreover, most of zoos are an important sources of revenue for their host cities.
First of all, a zoo offers an unforgettable chance to people to undergo truly new experiences. to people visiting the place. It is mainly attributed [C3] the fact that visitors can see a countless[C4] number of animals, that were come from another countrycountries, such as Japanese monkeys, pandas from China, Amazon-wild animals, and polar bears and so on[C5] . People can enjoy almost all kinds of animals ranging from endangered animals to friendly animals came from all around the world. Therefore, people, especially children, can learn about animal's living behaviorand examine their habitats[C6] , and those activities makes people feel delighted. From my experience, [C7] when When I went to the National Zoo in Washington D. C in my pre-school days, I was surprised and frightened by seeing numerous wild animals, such as tigers and crocodiles in person. However, at that the time, I could realize that there are diverse creatures as well as human beings and so I was pleased with my entirely new experience. If there were not a zoo, I could never have seen any wild animals in my life.
Moreover, a zoo contribute to makehelps their host cities and citizens[C8] economically [C9] become prosperous. It is largely because a zoo attracts a great number of visitors from their city, country, and [C10] all over the world. It leads to employ new additional workers such as janitors and animal trainers, and results in boosting the economy of the city. by making money from the visiting people.[C11] What is more[C12] , it also causes many souvenir shops to be created. The best example of this is one of the most famous zoozoos, attractattracts tourists from around the world. Tourists generally spend a lot of money on staying there, eating meals, shopping at various stores, and purchasing souvenirs. Due to the zoological Zoological gardenGarden,
Consequently, I am strongly against the opinion that zoo has no useful purpose. The reasons are that zoo not only provide visitors with extraordinary and marvelous experiences but also contribute to [C13] supporting their host cities and citizens by making revenues. All in all, we should make our best efforts to effectively keep and manage zoo.
[C1] redundant
[C2] convince is a transitive verb which is inappropriate in this sentence.
[C3] Note usage.
[C4] Too strong.
[C5] Not necessary.
[C6] I think a zoo does not have the actual habitats of animals, but they only simulate those. Therefore, I think it is better not to mention this.
[C7] Not necessary.
[C8] How about ‘urban dwellers’?
[C9] redundant
[C10] redundant
[C11] redundant
[C12] How about ‘Furthermore’?
[C13] redundant