Dear 토플쫑!:
I made some comments on your work as to return the favor. I believe this is a fine essay overall, but I think you would want to revisit your second body paragraph. It seems little bit awkward and dubious. Other than that good work.
Cheers,
oxidejo
People can choose between following the customs of the new country and keeping their own customs when they move to another country. Some people tend to cling to keep[J1] their own customs because it is comfortable and easy to follow. However, contrary to those opinions[J2] , I strongly believe that following new country's customs has much more advantages. The rationale behind this is that people can make friends and can [J3] adapt more quickly to the new environment.
On one perspective, I firmly believe that when people follow customs of the new countries, they can fit well in the new surrounding. An important reason is that [J4] through Through following new country's customs, people not only can easily make friends but also have a greater understanding of cultural and social norms. For example, my friend Peter, who had moved from agoago, adhered to do just as he did in his country at first, and had hard time to adapt in eateats meals alone. However, after he changed his mind to follow Korean culture, he could eat various wonderful Korean food with other Korean friends and could get along with many friends easily. This shows that following new country's culture helps to finely accustomed with new environment. <1st paragraph>[J6]
On the other hand, some people think that it is better to keep their own culture. The reason is that figuring out social norms can be embarrassing and takes much time. In particular, it is very hard for old people to follow other culture because they have been so habituated to their own culture. For instance, my grandfather moved to
In conclusion, although following new country's customs has some disadvantages[J8] , I think the advantages of following new country's custom far outweigh those disadvantages. It is because[J9] abiding Abiding by practices of new country, people can form relationships with people and understand the rules of the new country. These allow people to accommodate to the surroundings without less difficultiesdifficulty. All in all, as an old saying goes, when in
[J1] These mean the same so I think you need to choose one of them.
[J2] Not necessary.
[J3] Not necessary.
[J4] Not necessary.
[J5] As far as know, ‘ thus’ is usually used when the writer would like to conclude the idea so I think ‘so’ would be better in this case.
[J6] Great paragraph with adequet examples!
[J7] I am very confused with this paragraph. I think you need to revise this paragraph.
[J8] Such as? You never mentioned this in your body paragraph. Conclusion should not introduce new information that is not stated in the body paragraphs.
[J9] Not necessary.
[J10] Is this the direct quote? If so, you should use quotation mark. If not, you should add “(I paraphrase)”