Dear 다듀씽:
I made some comments on your work. I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
oxidejo
These days, a growing number of older people say today's youngsters are directionless and do not consider their future seriously. Of course, I think it is not all true, but can understand what the old [J1] mean. Nevertheless, I believe youngsters have a power [J2] that can make the elderly wander[J3] and that is something the old people should learn.
First and foremost, young people absorb the latest technology skills like a sponge. This is largely because [J4] they They have a interest in the newest technology such as computers, Internet, and cell phones. These daily new technologies help people to live conveniently. However, many older people are unaware of these convenience. To illustrate, my grandmother does not know not only how to turn on Internet[J5] but also usefulness of it. I once showed her a picture of the , but However, she didn't not[J6] even know what is internet. <1st>[J7]
Second but not least, the old people have a strict stereotype about women. They usually think that the perfect woman is who does laundry, does the dishes and raises their children. They say why women should have a job, and their views often occur[J8] social troubles. The divorce rate is on the rise these days, and a study which focused on this phenomenon illustrated that ; 48 percent of the reason for divorce is that conflict between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law. Many daughters-in-law confessed that they were stressful because of the ideas of their mothers-in-law that force them to quit their job. Likewise, many old people have a fixed idea which are barriers to harmonize with the youngsters. <2nd> [J9]
All in all, I definitely disagree with the statement that there is nothing that young people can teach older people. To keep up with the world which improves daily, the old people should listen to the young people. This is also the way to harmonize all the people no matter how they are young or old[J10] .
[J1] I know this is grammatically correct, but I strongly believe that it is inappropriate to refer older people to the old. How about, senior citizens or use pronoun such as ‘they’ in this case.
[J2] What kind of power are you talking about? Please try to be more specific.
[J3] Do you mean ‘wonder’?
[J4] Not necessary.
[J5] Do you mean ‘turn on a computer’ or ‘connect to the Internet’?
[J6] Please do not use the contraction in an academic writing, but spell it out all the time unless you quote some dialogue.
[J7] I see your point, but I think this line of reasoning is not exactly related to the topic. If you taught your grandmother about the Internet and lead your discussion in that direction, then the paragraph would be a good one.
[J8] Note usage. I think ‘bring about’ would be perfectly suit here.
[J9] Please refer to the comment for your first paragraph. I think you have a similar problem for your second paragraph. In addition, your example illustrated in this paragraph cannot be solved even if younger generation teach the older one, I think. I would like to recommend you to find an example something that can serve your purpose like the one from your first paragraph.
[J10] I did not see this coming from your line of reasoning. In order to say this you should have provided a reasonable argument that lead to this conclusion.