이 정도라면 몇 점 정도 가능할까요? 6점을 목표로 하는데.. 그런데 본론을 2개 밖에 쓰지 않아 찝찝하네요. 꼼꼼한 첨삭 부탁드립니다. 감사해요^^ (CM) 5. A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
Building a large factory around my community where is somewhat economically undeveloped would bring about definitely different impacts(애매한 표현입니다. 장점과 단점 모두를 bring about한다 정도로 바꿔주시는게 좋을듯) on my community. Among those, environmental pollution, lack of infra structure such as housing, stores, or education facilities would be disadvantages.
이게 공장을 지을경우 발생하는 문제점은 아닌것같습니다. 환경오염이 발생하는것은 맞지만, 공장을 짓는것이 인프라 스트럭쳐의 부족을 유발하는것은 아니지요.(원래있던 집과, 가게와 교육시설을 부수고 그자리에 공장을 짓는다면 단점이 될 수도 있겠습니다만;) 만약, 공장을 지을경우 그 공장에 일하러 오는사람들을 위한 집과 가게와 교육시설이 부족하게 될것이다. 라는 의미로 쓰고 싶으셨던 거라면 뭔가 다른 표현으로 바꾸셔야 할 것 같습니다.
However, we should not overlook the advantages it could bring and those are new economic facility which would provide new job, and inflow of young generation. Of those different results I focus mainly on the aspects of the advantages and I would like to 동사원형 (condiser정도?^^;) the reasons for it in the following.
First and foremost, it would offer a new economic provider.
new job opportunity 정도로 바꿔주시는게 좋을듯; economic provider? 무슨뜻인지 모르겠네요^^;;;
어떤이유로 농업에 실패한건가요? "산업발달의 영향으로." 라는 정도의 어구를 삽입하면 더 좋을것 같습니다. -> After failing to farm their land, people in my community have been leaving the community, searching for a new job. Most of them want to stay the community but there are no places or opportunities to work. Consequently this phenomenon has influenced other industries in the community from markets or shopping malls to producers.어떤 생산자인지 구체적으로 쓰셔야할듯. However when a large factory is built near my community, people do not want to leave the community any longer and other sphere of industries do not need to worry about their management or destiny. ->
제 생각에 이 문장은 가정법으로 바꿔주시거나 미래형으로 쓰시는게 좋을것같습니다. 만약 공장이 지어진다면 사람들은 안떠날것이다. 이런식으로요.
Accordingly, it would contribute to 동사+ing economic vitality and development in my community.
Secondly, it would solve the problem of age balance in my community. Just like other region where people mostly depend on farming, there are only a few children in my community. Therefore, the atmosphere of it is dark and heavy. However, (컴마찍어주시는게^^;)once the factory is opened, young generation would come into my community looking for jobs in the factory. Among them, there would be some young couples who are going to be parents soon, and those young generation and children will refresh the air in my community.
It is natural that the introduction of new factory would produce such bad effects as the problem of pollution, housing, and infra structure on my community as I mentioned before. "내가 이미 언급한것"을 또 언급하는 것은 했던말의 반복임을 스스로 인정하는 것이고 좋지 않은 표현이라고합니다. 채점자를 지루하게 만들죠;; 이것보다는 서론의 내용을 다른표현으로 재진술 하시는것이 좋을듯^^; However we can also overcome those problems by making strong and strict regulations as for pollution, building more apartments on the ground of deserted field, and giving some incentives for example tax cuts, to people who own stores to increase infra structures like convenient stores or restaurants. Remember! If we miss the opportunity to have a large factory near our community then we can never dreamed of the development of it anymore.
흠.이건 제 개인적인 의견이니 참고만 하세요.
앗! 그리고 서론마지막 부분에서는 thesis statement 가 필요합니다.
내가 본론1,2에서 무엇을 다루겠다 하는 문장을 한문장으로 마지막문장에 넣어주셔야합니다..^^;; (나는 not only 본론1 주제 but alsot 본론2주제.. 이런식으로 써주셔야해요)
저도 제 에세이가 급해서 -_-;;; 점수는 저도 고수가 아니라 잘 모릅니다ㅠㅠ
twe 대박냅시다!!+_+