Dear 언제나 열심히:
I made some comments on your work. I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
oxidejo
As contemporary society is advancing at an unprecedented speed, television and movies have diverse effect on our people’s lives. This means that though they[C1] formed only before a couple of decades ago, it[C2] have changed our past lifestyle and even our way of thought. Today, it is almost[C3] impossible to imagine one's life without them. In this essay, I will present that phenomenon more specially below[C4] .
First, movies and television affect our behavior with violence. They offer people violent images such as murder or fighting without filtering[C5] . A recent survey conducted by Harvard university Harvard University shows the people who are often exposed by to violent scenes tend to be more violent than those who were not.other people. One of The the most serious problems is that such second-hand experiences cause people to commit even a real crime. Although not all people perform such conducts, nobody can deny the fact that movies and television have to some degree bad effects on our people’s life in some degree, in terms of violence.[C6]
Second, it is movies and television that can make people have passive thinking. Some research indicates most people in to on watching television. Such TV programs give people fast moving and distortive distorted images[C8] , and it enables people to only see the monitor without thinking deeply and profoundly[C9] . Just looking at a series of images lets people be passive. Passive thinking is one of which impede people from developing creativity. In this respect, TV or movies are harmful to people. <2nd paragraph>[C10]
Taking all those into consideration, movies or television is one of the most important things to influence one's life, but they can lead to less sensitive to violence, and can have less active thought. I think that the bottom line is what we watch and how we make the best make use of them.
[C1]This is vague. What are they?
[C2]What is it?
[C3]It is safer to add “almost”. We do know that there are people who does live without TV or movie in some parts of countries in the world.
[C4]This is very vague please revise this sentence.
[C5]Note usage.
[C6]I think this is overgeneralization based on only one research result. The credibility of research is not sound enough to generalize that no one denies your argument.
[C7]It is recommended to spell those numbers out in letter in an academic writing.
[C8]I am not sure what this mean.
[C9]Well, I think many people would disagree with you on this. If you want to say this you need to provide an example for this argument.
[C10]This whole paragraph describes how TV can be harmful in the way of thinking. However, the topic is about the influence on people’s behavior. I think this is slightly off the topic.