Dear Albert:
First of all, it is so nice to see you again and I hope we can provide mutual help for TWE as well as other stuff to prepare for the admission if possible, as we did for AWA. I made some comments on your work which was a really great essay. I am sure you would acquire grade 6 for TWE without a doubt, but I also know that there is always a room for improvment. I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
oxidejo
After the industrial revolution and recent informational revolution, urbanization becomes a kind of unavoidable fate for our world. The more our lives become complicated and technologies become developed, the less area our countryside could occupy. These changes of modern society are so steep that they sometimes intimidate us and make us inclined to retrograde to rural life. Given these situations, some might well argue that our children had better to be raised in countryside. Although I recognize some merit of being nurtured up[C1] in the countryside, I believe that we should not overlook the necessities of children growing up in the metropolitan[C2] cities.
I concede that in the rural life, children could meet unique and beneficial experiences that in the cities they cannot have, such as following and catching some insects, playing in forests, or swimming in near brooks. Indeed, these experiences help children to develop respect to for[C3] Mother Nature and their emotional maturity because living amid nature provide people with great satisfaction – some researches say that people who live in rural area feel greater satisfaction than those who are wealthier but live in crowded and tumultuous cities. Considering that human also is a constituent of ecosystem and most people establish their basic perception of world in their youth, children growing up in the countryside would be helpful for our world avoiding pitfall of undue mechanization.<1st paragraph> [C4]
Nevertheless, experience and respect about nature are not all the lesson we should hammer to our children. There is much other wisdom we should teach to our children, and any of them is at least as much important as above things. The reason why we take put effort[C5] in nurturing children is for making them next mature members of our society to secure our prosperity. In my opinion, one of the most important requisites for mature member of society is tolerance towards different culture and people. But for this tolerance, our ancestors could not help suffering from enormous decimation such as Jewish Holocaust. To develop our children’s tolerances, it is indispensable for them to meet various people from different culture.[C6] Teaching them to have tolerance about other culture is less effective than let them meet various people freely and eventually recognize that all people are essentially same thus have equal rights. In this viewpoint, growing up in the cities offers children far more various opportunity to meet other people than growing up in the countryside, since there are far many people in the cities and those people’s cultural backgrounds are various.
Furthermore, given that mechanization and civilization are ineluctable for our future, living in the cities would be more necessary to children than living in the countryside. I concede some defects of mechanization and civilization.[C7] However, what is more important to us is to resolve these defects than to discard urbanization. Although children were grown up in the countryside, becoming adults they would rather immigrate in the cities and should adapt to urbane life, because most of them cannot resist the advantages of urbane life. Living in the cities since their youths [exonerates][C8] people from fear of adoption to unversed urbane life.[C9] In the light of defects in urbanization, growing in the cities also help children recognize flaws of cities. A Korean proverb says (I paraphrase) “To catch a tiger, ; go into the cave where it lives”..” To treat glitches of mechanization, people first should diagnose what mechanization is, and be familiar to it. Children living in the cities could discern the defects of urbane life and provide better prescription than those in the countryside.[C10] <2nd paragraph>[C11]
In sum, I concede that rural life could give unique happiness to our children and these happiness’s are beneficial for their maturity. However, I do not believe that such happiness is the most important lesson we should give for children. In As a our world becoming become more civilized and more globalized, we need children to embrace different cultures and know the good and evil of urbanizations. For this reason, I want more children to be raised in the cities.
[C1] Note usage.
[C2] I added this because the topic is about comparing between the countryside and a big city.
[C3] "respect to” has a peculiar meaning: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation. I think you did not mean that, right?
[C4] This paragraph would serve greatly as one of my body paragraph. I notice your writing style so I would not say much about this paragraph. However, I would recommend you to omit this paragraph if you do not have enough time to write since I think this would weaken your stance in my point of view.
[C5] Note usage
[C6] Great argument.
[C7] Such as?
[C8] Note usage. As far as I know, this word is used to mean “to free from blame”, which I think it is inappropriate in this sentence. Please let me know if you disagree with me.
[C9] I have to confess that I am having difficulty to understand what you mean.
[C10] How did you come to this conclusion from your reasoning?
[C11] I have to admit that this paragraph is not really compelling. It may be because I do not agree with you. However, I would easily disregard this argument by saying, “If people live their life in a big city from their young age, they would become inured so they would not be able to discern the defects of urban life. However, people who spend their childhood in the rural area, they would see things differently from those urban dwellers.”