Dear lsemt:
I made some comment on your introduction and your body paragraphs. I hope you find this useful for improving your writing.
Cheers,
According to sSome people, say that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies, while others say think that children should spend most of their time playing. Although there are many opinions[J1] , I firmly believe that young people have to spend time playing. It is logical for two main reasons. One is that the relationship through being with family helps the basic mental health of children. The other is that they can learn social skill though playing with friends.
On the one hand, some people think that children have to study at a formal education from an early age because the education at an early age enables children to find their talent faster and special skills can be learned easier. To illustrate what I say, [J2] most Many[J3] famous musicians found their talents at when they were young. SoHence, their skill was developed faster than other people whomever and then so they could be a famous and good musicians.[J4] When it comes to special skill, I can say about Michel wieWie, pro-golfer. Although she is young, she is a famous golfer. Because sheof beginning began to take lessons in her early age, she could learn the skills easier than others as well as find her talents faster. In this sense, it is important children to get an education at an early age. .<1st Paragraph>[J5]
On the other hand, spending most time to playing with others is very important. There are crucial reasons that the relationship with family through playing is very significant to enhance the basic mental health. That is to say, in order to live a life happily, we need a positive thought. Thus, the positive thought made from young childhood would effect on people’ whole life. [J6] The other reason is why social skill is more important to live a life with others well than learning skill.[J7] Thus, social skill made from a young age though getting along with friends enables us to develop our self-expression, self-esteem, consideration others, and so on. [J8] Therefore, all of thing would be a foundation to live a life.
[J1]About what?
[J2]I think it is better to omit this for the smoother transition.
[J3]Many would be the safer word of choice.
[J4]You need to provide an example of this.
[J5]This whole paragraph describes why it is good for children to spend their time study. I think this only weaken your thesis. Instead, I would divide the second paragraph into two separate paragraph and elaborate on the arguments more in detail if I were you.
[J6]This is not logically sound. I think you need to provide a reason for reader to believe that playing with family members in people’schildhood would cultivate the positive thought.
[J7]This does not make sense please revise this.
[J8]Again, you need to provide an example that playing with friends in people’s childhood would help people to develop their social skills. Without the supporting information, there is no reason for readers to agree with you.