Q) At universities and colleges, sports and
social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should
receive equal financial support.
After the victory of capitalism over
communism, individualism and personal identity have been the single most
important component of the contemporary society. Education focuses on
cultivating appropriate skills and knowledge to ensure unique thoughts while
media continuously reinforces such values. Thanks to such efforts, the world
today is diversified enough where everyone has his or her own opinion on every
matter, usually based on background where he or she has been brought upon.
Similarly, the given topic today is construed in a plethora of ways. I, myself,
as a part of the society, based on my knowledge and personal beliefs, strongly
disagree with the idea for two reasons. First, it could significantly mar to
maintain university ranking. (Awkward sentence) Second, the university could not efficiently
invest the area compared to the private company. (Bit unclear)
First, universities would lose their strong advantage point, the university ranking. (Because of what?) The university ranking is one of the essential
parts which is mainly dealt with and considered by applicants for university:
Excellent students tend to select highly ranked university. Most universities
which is regarded as the prestigious ones have a superior educational environment
to the than others. However, they always require as much funding as possible for
building up and maintaining nice infrastructures such as hiring capable
lecturers, famous scholars and a luxury library. If university wastes money for
supporting sports and social activity, they could not maintain that kinds of
valuable factors for students to study in a better condition. If applicants for
the university notices that they could not be provided with the qualified condition for their studying any more, they would choose another university for their
career, which means a significant decrease in university ranking. (How does this directly relate to the ranking?) For example, my
university, Kyung Hee University, had been famous for its beautiful library and
nice lecture rooms because of advanced educational funding for students to learn better more. However, there was fashion (What is that?) for supporting the leisure activity such as
throwing contests for drawing and computer games. Thus, they decreased or even
stopped monetary support for the library and lecturer, which leads brought about a result that some
professors to move another university and the library to become dirty. Superior
freshmen did not choose apply for my university anymore; instead, they will go to Chungang
University which hired lots of famous lecturers.
Second, it is inefficient for university to
support the leisure and social activity because the other private companies company could
deal with it much better even in with less amounts of money. This is because the
private companies (Such as?) are filled with enthusiasm to become successful; rather,
university tends not to be more serious on the funding: If they failed to the
enterprise, (What does it mean?) they would not be severely affected and even compensate it more
easily because university could earn money from enrolled students who are
forced to pay tuition annually. Thus, they could not give students a better
condition to do that those kinds of activity compared to the private company. Thus,
it is better not to invest that kinds of activity. (Unnecessary Point) For example, my university,
Kyung Hee University had started to invest the room for computer game from 2018. (Maybe competition?) However, that is all; they just bought computer which is outdated from the
unknown sources. (Unclear) In contrast, the other private companies administered a gaming
room by providing the user with state-of-the-art computers as well as free
snacks. Thus, everybody went to the private gaming room, not university. Even
though the university recognized that their investment was failed, nobody was not
punished. I am really scared that the university would spoil my precious tuition
fee for because of that kinds of meaningless purpose one more. Had university invested
money for the educational purpose, which is the area where the university could
invest effectively, the university students could have enjoyed better
infrastructure and agreed that with their tuition fees are is used appropriately.
Ultimately, there is nothing right or wrong.
However, the one thing that is definite is that with a robust claim and apropos
set of evidence, anyone could acknowledge the validity of the argument. Today,
I have produced a claim about today’s topic and effectively bolstered it with
two reasoning. I have thus built a solid assertion where not everyone would
agree to, but definitely acknowledge it.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence |
점수 | 2 | 3
| 2 | 2 |
Score | Fair 18-23 |
- personal identity 에 대하여 분명히 밝혀주세요.
- intro 부분에서의 hook가 대부분 개인주의/정체성 등에 포커스를 맞추고 있는데 이 부분이 바디와 관련이 없는 내용이라면 쓰지 않는 것이 좋습니다. - 주장에는 인과관계가 어느정도 드러나있어야 합니다. - 단/복수 변환에 다소 미흡한 편입니다. - 문장구조가 상당히 복잡하고, 특히 두 번째 내용의 경우 주장이 명료하지 못합니다.
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