▶ Your Answer : In my opinion, I think that strict rules are not necessary to obtain success. Although it is beneficial for children if they receive parenting from their parents, in my opinion, setting strict rules and regulations for them is not the best method of parenting for children to succeed in their life. There are two major reasons to why I argue that strict rules will not lead to children's future success.
The first reason is due to my belief that setting regulations for children will limit them to gain experience and learn from external environments. Although there are a lot of education that children can receive from their parents, such as basic manners, it is important for children to actually experience various situations in order to learn how to portray those manners in their daily lives. However, strict rules limit the amount of experience that children can experience. As there is a famous saying by Julius Caesar that quotes "experience is the teacher of all things", it shows how experience is key to learning, which leads to succession in a lot of things. For example, when it comes to a real life situation that I have witnessed, my friend's mother put strict rules for her to not be in a romantic relationship with anyone before the age of 20. Her mother did not allow my friend to be talk to or meet anyone of the opposite sex. Due to this strict rule, my friend aged 19, is still not able to, and feels scared to make eye-contact or start a conversation with anyone that is the opposite sex as her. She often says that she cannot imagine herself being in a romantic relationship for the rest of her life. Having someone, a romantic partner, to rely on could have helped my friend to deal with some stressful situations that she might have dealt with through her life, but her parent have limited the chance of this. Thus, this real life situation could be one example that strict rules and regulations set my parents does not necessarily benefit children to succeed in life.
Another reason to why I believe that strict rules set by parent does not always lead to the child's success is due to the fact that rules and regulations have a psychologically negative impact on children. As children have a lot of pressure on them caused by their parents, they are more likely to suffer sleep deprivation, anxiety and low self esteem, and in the worst case scenario, worse academic performance. The reason to parents setting strict rules for children is usually for them to perform well in academic performances, which is believed to lead to a successful future, but studies have shown that strict parenting could lead to a decrease in academic performances. Therefore, on top of suffering psychological problems from strict parenting, they would suffer more diverse psychological problem from the stress they receive from their parents for not performing well in their academics. This can lead to many serious problems.
Due to these two reasons, I strongly disagree with the statement that strict rules should be set by parents for their children if they want them to succeed in the future.
마지막 conclusion에서 due to these two reasons라고 적지 말고 그 이유가 뭔지, 내 주장이 뭔지 다시한번 정리하는 시간 가져야 합니다. (무조건 paraphrase해서 위에 나온 거와 다른 표현 써야 합니다) 첫번째 main paragraph가 두번째에 비해 너무 긴 편입니다. paragraph사이에서도 어느정도 밸런스 맞춰서 적어줘야 합니다. 문장 무조건 길게 쓴다고 좋은 게 아닙니다. 콤마콤마해서 길게 나가기보다는 끊고, concise하게 의미 전달 잘 될 수 있도록 쓰는 것이 우선시되어야 합니다 |