간만에 에세이 게시판에 들어와보네염..
대충 읽어 봤는데 님의 글은 넘 급하게 쓰셔서 그런지 오류가 넘 많이 보이네염..
글구.. 문단마다 부족한 점이 몇가지 보이는데..
밑에 코멘트 달았습니다..
그럴려구 했지만.. 헉헉.. 죄성.. ㅡㅡ^;;
일단 서론부분부터 넘 오류가 많네염.. 제가 대충 빨간표시를 했는데.. 우선은 님은 30분내에 쓰시는것보단.. 많이 써보시면서 오류를 줄일수 있게 하셔야 될것 같습니다.. 한국인인 제가 보기에두 넘 어색한데 채점자인 미국인들은 어떻게 읽어나갈수 있을지..
일단 다시한번 검토하신후 다시 올려주세염.. 지금은 연습하시는거니까 넘 성급히 쓰시지 마시구염.
도움이 되셨길..
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┼ ▨ 에세이 첨삭부탁( 점수부탁) - Yong ┼
│ 30분내에 써본건데요, 한번 봐주세요. 시험이 다음주인데, 에세이가 가장 걱정입니다.
│ 부족한점 : (ex, 문법오류, 형식, 등등..) 하고요, 점수 점 꼭 갈켜주세요. 부탁드립니다.
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│ These days most part of people have televisions and watch them. Some people can think that television is so useful in respect that it have us much information. Of course, I agree this opinion, but television has so serious problem which is cause that conversation between parents and friends is decreasing so rapidly. Thus I agree that television destroyed communication among friends and family.
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│ First, today many people watch television a great deal of time, and it made us get
│ television poisoning. For example My brother likes television very much, so he watches
│ television every day. However his time to watch television is much. He knows that
│ spending much time for watching television is bad, but he already get television
│ poisoning.. from this respect, he almost doesn't talk with family and me, and he doesn't
│ play outdoors so his communication with friends also is destroyed by watching
│ television.
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│ Secondly, when today adults were young, they almost didn't television, so they don't
│ see television very well. Futhermore, they don't know anything teenagers like, so surely
│ generation gap occur and conversation decrease. For instance, my father almost don't
│ watch television , so they don't know any entertainer who is popular. Thus, I don't
│ have topic to talk .
│
│ In short, television has many disadvantages , which is that it made people spend
│ much time to watch time and it cause generation gap so rapidly. in this respect, I agree
│ with following statement, television destroyed among friends and family.
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