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One of the most important and ground-breaking moments of the 21st century was the introduction of ‘iphone’ by Steve Jobs from Apple. Since then, despite the few critics who weren’t sure the new term, smart phone would work or succeed at all, the progress of mobile phone has drastically changed the lives of the human all around the world from the tiniest bits. Some academics still argue that the advent of mobile phones had bigger drawbacks than advantages and it has actually taken away the freedom of people. However, for me, I believe that the mobile phones have given people more freedom than before, as it provides two types of freedom; informational access and communication. To begin with, mobile phones now can grant the user a freedom of access to information anywhere and anytime. The progress of mobile phone lets us to carry it anywhere we go, thanks to its handy size. 5G technology and Wifi system allow us to access the internet regardless of the time and space, and we can search any informations we want, right away. For example, few years ago, I was having a trouble trying to find out the exact name and the artist of the song that I was hearing in a coffee shop. I could easily search for the song by grabbing my phone and letting the application in it to listen and search for it. It wouldn’t have been able, hadn’t it been for the presence of the mobile phone. Thus, mobile phones free us to get any information anytime and anywhere. Secondly, mobile phones can help us with the freedom of communication. In the old days, before the introduction of mobile phone, it was hard for people to communicate or simply talk to each other in a long distance. They had to use mails which would take for days to weeks, or had to trouble themselves to go to phone booth where they can call others. In the United States, for instance, was the service called Poly Express which was mailing service system from the east side of the country to the west. People rode horses for days and changed horses in the stations to reach the mail as soon as possible. In the modern world in which we live, this kind of trouble is unnecessary. Everyone carries mobile phone. We can chat and talk with someone in a opposite side of the earth in few seconds by using messenger, e-mail or phone calls. Therefore, it can be said that mobile phones allowed us to communicate with freedom. In conclusion, mobile phones did give human beings more freedom instead of restraining it. Phones gave us the freedom of searching and learning for informations and of communicating with people all around the world. Not all people fully benefit from the services the phones provide; some gets too addicted to using mobile phones that they can’t do other important things. An important thing is to smartly use the freedoms the mobile phone provide us and benefit as much as you can.
다 좋은데 전체적으로 freedom이 너무 강조된 것 같아요. 예를 들어 첫 main paragraph는 freedom, , 두번째는 convenience이렇게 했으면 훨씬 좋았을 거 같은데 두 첫 문장 모두에 freedom이 주인공으로 나와 약간은 주장이 반복되는 듯 보였습니다. (단어를 더 다양하게 사용하는 것을 추천드립니다) 전체적으로 보면 문장 형식이 아쉬운 곳이 꽤 있습니다. 더 다양하게 format사용할 수 있을 것 같은데, 다른 사람들 글 많이 읽어보고 따라 써보는 형식으로 공부하면 좋습니다 |