■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should be required to exercise at school every day. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people think that students should be
required to exercise at school every day to foster physical and mental health
of students. However, I disagree with the statement. There are two reasons.
First, students spend too much time to exercise every day for students who
spend most their time to study academic subjects. (의미 전달이 제대로 안 됩니다) Second, due to individual
differences in physical ability, it is better to exercise individually than
work out at school with other students.
To begin with, students will not be able to study due to time constraint if they exercise every day. Students these days spend most their time to study
academic subjects such as math and science. Their performance in these subjects
essential for their dreams since most colleges utilize the scores in these
subject as admission criteria. Some students sleep for four hours in a day to get a
high score in these subject. Therefore, if students work out every day, their
time to spare to study academic subjects will be reduced and this reduced time
will lead to the decrease in their score. For example, the research was
conducted by Seoul Education Center to determine whether frequency of
exercising at school affects physical health of students and academic
performance of students. The researchers monitored two groups. The first group
was formed of students who daily exercised a lot daily at school. The other group consisted
of students who exercised for only (더 적다는 것을 강조) four hours at school which is standard time for physical
activity set by Ministry of Education. They were asked to take the test to measure
their physical ability. Moreover, there academic performance was investigated
as well as physical ability. The result was intriguing. The former group shows
slightly better physical ability than the latter group. However, the former
group showed significantly lower academic performance than the latter. It shows
that exercising daily deteriorates students' academic performance which is the
most important factor to evaluate students.
On top of that, for the sake of enhancing
students' health, training at gyms is better way than exercising at school.
Teachers in schools are experts in conveying knowledge and consulting the
students but they do not know about physical health as much as trainers at
gyms. The trainer received professional courses about exercising. Due to these
facts, it is impossible that exercise at school is better than training at the
gym with personal trainer. For example, the survey was conducted by Seoul
National University with current university students as respondents. The main
purpose of survey is to identify differences in terms of exercising at high
school and university. An overwhelming 80% of students answered that exercising
at university is better that working out at high school. The reason was that
they were able to receive professional training course from trainers.
To sum up, taking deficient time students
have and professionalism of trainer, I disagree with the statement, 'students
should be required to exercise at school every day. |
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. 내용은 매우 좋습니다.
다만 topic sentence의 수정이 필요해보입니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*