▶ Your Answer : Recently, a variety of technologies and equipment are developed and those are just for human's convenience. But some people think that the period when our grandparents were children was easier and more simple to do something that today. However, in my opinion, it's undisputable that life today definitely become more comfortable for human and will continue to be so. To begin with, the sheer number of phases to do or get somethings is decreased so that the time which is consumed is also became shorter than the past. There's some necessary things that could maintain our society like communication, infrastructure and so on. So people were always eager to make them simple or faster than ever before.이 문장과 전 문장이 왜 이어지는지 잘 이해가 안 갑니다. For example, during the WW2, sole mean to call to their base which is located in remote place was just using large phone and it's surely expansive that it's not efficient way to communicate. However, nowadays, most of the people have cellphone which is small enough to bring at their pocket. Furthermore, the people who are divided in two places with wide river had to detour the river to go to another town.When there were no technology, people had to detour if there was a river. But, high-level technology of constructing large bridge made it possible to pass the river directly. On top of that, there are lots of chance to learn how to use things these days so it's ridiculous that some people complain about the complexity or difficulty to access to information. According to the second paragraph, causes which make our life easier and simple are advanced skill so that it seems plausible to blame those things. However, in keeping with development, 무슨 뜻인가요? lots of companies or individuals provide the guidance about all of equipment. For example, the difference between old cellphone and smartphone could make you discouraged to change their communication method. But when you visit the mobile center, certain employee will counsel all of your difficulties and support for a long time to adapt to new phone. Besides, after services were well-built, so whenever you have questions about mobile, you can get help by counselors. To sum up, lots of advantages of nowadays' life are existed, 어휘가 문장과 어울리지 않습니다. and they create a variety of functions about our society that provide us convenience. In this regard, I strongly believe that if people take a little effort to accept these change, they can enjoy their life for plentiful and fruitful.
문장 적을 때 but으로 문장 시작하는 거 지양하면 좋을 것 같아요. 해당 에세이에서 정말 많이 보입니다. 그리고 다른 연결사 경우에도 조금 더 다양하게 시도해보기를 바랍니다. 연결사만 다양해져도 문장의 시작이 달라보입니다 우선 주장의 point가 제대로 전달이 되지 않은 것 같은 부분이 꽤 있었습니다. 에세이를 쓸 때 이정도면 주장이 "설득력있게" 나왔는지 특히 신경쓰면서 읽어보면 좋을 것 같아요. |