▶ Your Answer :
'The more the time
goes by, the faster the world changes'. Nobody disavows this statement. So, in
order to cope with such changes, some advised people to read the book
constantly and to study hard.(주제랑 무슨 상관이 있는 건지 모르겠습니다) However, in the light of happiness in our life, I
think that every person who will go through rapid changes are less happy or
less satisfied with their lives in the past for following two subsequent
reasons.
Firstly, it is
difficult for people to stay in a stable workplace. Traditionally, working is a
necessary element when one family try to make a living. For either babies or
children and teens and in the family, parents eagerly want to get a stable job
and earn as possible. (필요없음) Unfortunately, crazily rapid changes in the world could
not allow them to work at one stable place as well as led to dwindle benefits. For
example, nowadays, taxi drivers knot in their stomach owing to 'Carpool app'
project in DAUM&KAKAO incorporation. The app will give users the carpool
service whose cost is cheaper than taxi's fare if it is commercialized in
earnest. Apart from taxi drivers, many
traditional merchants are also threatened to their profit due to the mushroom
the Internet shopping mall since beginning of 2010s.
Second, old
generation would be isolated in the society. In these days, people, in
particular, seniors, cannot afford to adapt to the system of the society in
comparison to the past. Nowadays, it is merely fact that (무슨 뜻으로 작성하신건지 이해가 안갑니다)old generation are
isolated in the society. (앞에서 했던 말 반복입니다. 최대한 반복없이 clear하게 뜻만 전달해주세요) Among the matters, so called, 'Digital Fear', is a
representative case to explain the isolation.
For example, after 2010, servants in fast food the restaurant are being
replaced with kiosk based on touch screen. Noteworthy point is that most of
seniors give up to order their foods because of on the account of high entry barrier about the
machine. According to an interview with
78-years-old senior who managed to achieve the order, she answered an
interviewer's question gloomily that unmanned system obviously could bring
against segment between the older and young generation.
To sum up, I think that people are less satisfied with their
lives than people were in the past because it is difficult to get a stable
workplace throughout the life and seniors who adapt to rapid changes would be
easily isolated in the society.
주장자체는 괜찮은 편이나, 이를 전달하는 면에서 너무 오류가 많습니다 예를 들어 주장과 아예 관계가 없는 듯한 부분도 많이 보이는 듯 하며, 반복되며 쓰이는 문장들도 꽤 보여, 문장의 connection, 그리고 연결성을 너무 약화시킵니다. 이에 관해서는 에세이 연습보다는 문장 쓰기 연습이 더 필요할 것 같습니다 그리고 어휘가 용도와는 달리 잘못된 부분에서 쓰이는 부분이 조금 있는데 무조건 어려운 단어 쓰려고 하지 말고, 용도를 정확히 알고 쓰는 거 정말 중요합니다. |