■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : It is sometimes acceptable to infringe upon people's freedom. |
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▶ Your Answer :From the past, there have been lots of debates according to the human rights. Some people argue (주어 동사 불일치) that all the individuals must have a voice for their choices. However, others insist that sometimes it needs acceptance to hinder people's freedom. In my opinion, infringing upon the freedom has benefits to society since this could be (be동사 필요) able to control people and could solve the distribution. First and foremost, prohibiting the freedom gives more chances to regulate the person. In a group life, were it not for to deter the freedom, there would have been some kind of chaos. Since they do not have order to keep each other, this leads to the result of demolition. For example, when I was in high school, all the class went to the field trips. Over a hundreds of students had to move, so they needed some regulation to prevent the accident. At first, the teacher got in trouble to control them, however after restriction was created upon some action, such as do not talk in loud voice in the museum or only certain time they can go to the toilet. After setting this kind of rule, the safety issues did not occur and it was much easier for the teacher to control. From this experience, I felt it was not fair since they surpass us, however after ended up with successfully, I thought some regulations were needed for the goods of society. On top of that, deterring the person's action could alleviate the social inequality. There are resources which must be distributed in the society. However, if a (관사 필요) person who possessed these goods uses as one likes, consequently, this will lead to social injustice. Since there are some possibilities of using only for their benefits. (since는 단독으로 쓰일 수 없습니다) For example, a study was conducted by a business magazine columnist, having 200 major company operators (단수/복수) as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view of how to utilize the company profits if there are no regulations. Concerning priorities, the majority of respondents ranked the donation to developing country the lowest. This survey proves that if there were no restriction of using resources, (연결어 필요합니다) the chances to help the poor may have been declined. To sum up, giving a control to people (giving a control을 사람들을 대상으로 하는 것이 아닙니다) can make order and releasing the unequal division of the community. In this regard, I hold that some individual liberty does need to be restricted.
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
3. 사소한 문법 오류가 잦은 편입니다. proof-reading을 꼼꼼하게 해주세요.
특히 주어 동사 일치와 be 동사 사용이 안 되고 있습니다.
참고해주세요! (be 동사 용법 숙지 필요)
4. 철자 오류가 잦은 편입니다. 심한 감점의 요인이 될 수 있으니, 에세이 작성을 마치시고 꼼꼼히 검토해주세요.
+) 단어를 외우실 때 스펠링을 집중적으로 외워주세요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*