TOPIC: Which of the following do you think is the best way to become healthier? Getting enough
sleep vs exercising regularly vs having a positive attitude
In this world we live in, being healthy is one of the most important points in our lives. In this sense, I strongly believe that exercising regularly is the best way to become healthier and there are two reasons. First, We are able to hardly feel sick. Second, We can always maintain great mentality and get achievement.
To be specific, would it be possible to live healthy without exercising? The answer would be no. We can improve the immune system by exercising constantly. Then viruses cannot enter our bodies easily and it lead to the long and healthy life with out fatal diseases. Let me take an example of a survey conducted by the Samsung Hospital in Korea. Respondents were 100 patients who are cared by doctors in the hospital. eight five of these people did not enjoyed doing exercising. However, over the half of respondents who usually played sports such as soccer of basketball clearly recovered their health after a few weeks. Moreover, 12 people of respondents who were given advice by doctors to exercise constantly due to their critical diseases restored their health or improved their states. These results indicate that exercising regularly help a person keep healthy life devoid of physical diseases.
줄을 어느 기준으로 나눈건지 잘 모르겠어요. paragraph가 바뀌는 게 아니라면 줄은 바꾸지 말아야합니다.
and로 문장 시작하는 건 지양해주세요. 아예 안 적어도 좋고 꼭 적고 싶으면 조금 다양하게 연결사 적어야 합니다.
마지막 conclusion에서 주장 설명이 조금 더 나왔으면 좋았을 것 같아요. 이렇게 first, second를 나누다보니 약간은 끊겨보입니다. 조금 더 흐름이 자연스럽게 이어지도록 적어주세요. 어휘가 예상 가능한 범주 안에서만 나오는 것 같아 아쉽습니다. 범주를 조금씩 녋혀가는 것이 좋을 거 같아요 | |
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