▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that parents should
prohibit that children watch television to make them study harder. However, in
my opinion, I think parents could also encourage children to study harder without regulating them to watch television This is because people are able to relieve stress by watching it, and there are myriad educative
programs in television. --> 주제문장 그대로 사용하는 것을 지양하시고 Paraphrase해 주세요
To begin with, watching television helps children
reduce stress. If there are strict regulations on them they spend for watching television, it would not promote them to study harder. For example, when I was in high school, I liked
watching television shows after my school; fun programs made me laugh and relieved my stress. However, since I
had a lot of school works and club activities, my parent prevented me from
watching television to make me get a better academic reward. However, it was not effective
because I was not mentally healthy after getting rid of watching television. (스트레스를 풀 수단이 없어져서 정신적으로 건강하지 못했다는 점을 작성해야 합니다) As a
result, my parent allowed me watching it for two hours per day after finishing my
homework. This made me to be motivated to study harder, and I got a better
grade since I can get out of my stress through TV show. But, And등을 문장 앞에 사용하는 것을 지양해주세요 쉼표 사용 및 수동태 사용 주의해주세요.
On top of that, there are a lot of
educative programs on television that children can benefit from. (단순히 프로그램이 많다고 적기보단 '도움을 받을 수 있는' 측면을 강조해주세요. Also, contents with visual aids help students to understand the material easier and
attract them to study with fun. For instance, EBS, a famous television channel with a lot of programs relating to Korea education, runs myriad kinds of historical documentaries. According to the
research conducted by EBS on 500 high school students in Korea, it said that over 70 % of people answered that program broadcasted
by EBS was effective to study history. In addition, since it demonstrated
historical issues with its special visual and audio contents, student were able to understand
better about the topic, which helped students to increase student's interests about historical events
To sum up I firmly believe that watching
television makes student relieve stress and give them academic knowledge. In
this regard, I support the idea that parent should not avoid letting student
watch television to prompt them study harder. - 동사 시제가 뒤죽박죽입니다. - 문장 내에서 핵심적으로 설명되어야 할 부분이 많이 빠져있습니다.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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