▶ Your Answer : Managing how children spend time of other things is important becuase its shape thier's education (이 부분을 통하여서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다). With this understanding, I believe that it is important spendingime for childeren to on sell phone, online games and social networking.for students to spend on technology for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, online games enables children to relieve stress children can relieve stress. Understanding, the daily environment of children and the potential role of online games is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, children have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. Once, they are at school, they have to enduring endure countless homework and to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and wears down children, As a way to manage this stress, they can play online games or cell phone. So they can relieve stress and forget aboue problems. Thus, they are able to more concentrate on education and effectially to study can concentrate on education and study effectively. Even if, it is only for a short time, this frees the minds from intense pressure from school. Second, social networking Web site enables children to enjoy a better quality of life. For example, social networking provides meaningful opportunities to connect with another. other people. Essentially, social networking promotes activitieis that courage children to openly to connect with another to encourage children to connect with others. So, children can gain useful knowledge from various people. Plus, children can recive to helpful education methods receive helpful education methods. So intercommunication builds a platform not only useful knowledge but also to cooperate with another. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot underestimated I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 일단 문법적 부분에 있어서 오류들이 많습니다. 특히 철자적 오류들이 좀 있습니다. 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이에서 부족한 부분은 첫 번째 단락의 예시입니다. 지금 이 예시는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 나타난 예시가 최근 아이들이 어려운걸 더 잘해결 할 수 있는지에 대한 것을 서포트 하지 못합니다. 따라서 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |