▶ Your Answer :
The issue here is whether classmates have
more influence on a child’s successful school life than parents or not. In my
opinion, I think parents affect more for the following two reasons.
To begin with, parents encourage their
children to control themselves. This is because they They (this is because는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) are the closest people to
the children. For example, a research about how parents influence on their
children’s characteristics was conducted by Seoul National University in Korea.
In that research, eighty percentages of people who had been encouraged a lot
from their parents when they were a child, has had kind characteristic,
however, twenty percentage of people who had not been, usually has had abnormal
characteristic. This shows that people taken care of by their parents usually
have kind characteristic.
On top of that, parents know well about
society. The reason is that they has They have (the reason is that은 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) experienced the society earlier than their
children. They can teach and help children to adjust in society. For instance,
when I was nine years old, I was never aware of society so I did a lot of bad
things like being rude to elder people. Then, my parents taught me it is very
bad behavior in Korea society. Taught it, I became a very polite person, and I
has got a lot of polite prizes in high school. This indicates that parents help
their children in direct way to know and adapt in modern society.
To conclude, I believe that my standpoints
of the two reasons are sufficient persuasive. The first is children are helped
by their parents to control themselves, and they know about modern society well
and can help their children. In this regard, parents are much more effective
than a child’s classmates.
점수: 23 일단 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이유에 대한 설명을 두는 것 보다는 너무 많은 부분을 예시에 대해 중점을 두는 거 같습니다. 예시를 서술하는 것도 좋긴하지만 에세이로 하여금 설득력 있게 만들려면 좀 더 구체적으로 이유에 대하여서 에세이를 서술하는 것이 더 좋습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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