▶ Your Answer :
There are many different kinds of vehicles, such as automobiles, bicycles, and airplanes. However, I want to explain how the development of airplanes changed people's lives. There are reasons why. The first reason is that because of airplanes, people began to go abroad. Also, people became to save much time by using airplanes. for the following two subsequent reasons (이유에대한 부분을 밑에서 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
First of all, because of airplanes, people became to go abroad people can travel to abroad. In other words, before airplanes, people still could go abroad by ships, but it was not common for people to take ships because they were expensive and required so much time. However, after the invention of airplanes, people can go to different countries with not too much money in a short time. Also, as people became to go overseas, different countries started to exchange and share things they have with others which made people more intelligent and experienced compared to the days before airplanes travel to foreign countries foreign country encourages people to exchange and share things. For example, in Korean history, before airplanes, people only shared things with China and Japan which are close to Korea. However, after the emergence of airplanes, people in Korea started to exchange things with other counties, such as Europe and America. To sum up, because of airplanes, people began to go abroad and learn more precious things from other people.
Moreover, airplanes let people save so much time. In history, people have been finding new ways to save traveling time. People used to only walk, but later made vehicles for convenient. And the airplane is the fattest vehicle so far. A long time ago, when people wanted to go to Seoul which is the capital of Korea, it took 1 month by walking from Busan which is the southern part of Korea. However, now if people want to go to Seoul, it takes even less than an hour to get there from Busan. So, people can use time with efficiency rather than spending weeks and days walking.
In conclusion, airplanes are transportation that changed people's lives. This is because that airplanes Airplanes (this is because that 은 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) have been allowing people to go abroad. And the second reason is that with airplanes, people became to save time.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 가지고 있는 문제점은 단락의 균형화 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경웅에 있어서는 첫 번째 단락은 너무 장황하게 서술하였는데 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 너무 간결하게 서술하였습니다. 단락의 균형화를 맞춰주시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많으니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |