▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that parents should set strict rules for their children. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, setting strick rules give stress to children. Second, children can not braoden their perspectives. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, setting strict rules making children tired. makes children tired. Making too much rules suppresses children. Also, they should be free. To be specific, with the strict rules they can play game or they can not do what they want. This can be (동사가 없습니다) big problem when they grow up. Because they wan not able to learn what they wantso and they can not find their own personality. And such this problem make Such problems make them hard to communicate with others and made feel hard to adapt the society. For instance, there are several research conducted by Seoul College. They made two group, one is kid who live free and other is not. That research shows that kid who live with strict rules feel hard to speak with strange person. And scientist says when kid grow up with harsh situation, they got lots of stress and it can connected to language disability.
On top of that, with harsh rules makes children have stress and feel hared to adapt to society. By concerning this problems even children can not broaden perspectives. For instance, when i was young, i usually watch a video about historical person. So i was able to memorize the history very naturally. And lots of kid earn their acknowledge from watching video. However, with harsh rules they can earn acknowledge from TV or others. To illustrate, Steve Jobs who is the founder of Apple made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he have global minded. He was able to be global minded because he watch documentaries about history, environment and various parts. Also, he was grown under mother who let him very free. He was not grow with strict rules.
To sum up, strict rules making kid having many stress and can not broaden their perspectives. In this regard, they have to live free is better than strict rules.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 설명들 자체가 모호합니다. 설명들이 모호하다 보니 전체적으로 이 에세이를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 주제와 전혀 상관이 없는 부분에 대하여서 예시를 서술하였습니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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