▶ Your Answer : No one would doubt that exercise is the
right way of keeping a healthy life. People have different perspectives with
the level of its importance between older and younger people. Also, some people
think that exercise is needed more for younger people because they are weak and
need to improve their physical power. However, I think it is more important
that older people do an exercise rather than younger ones do. The following
reasons are based on two perspectives: older people's physical weakness and
their less time doing outdoor activities. To begin with, older people have weaker
bones than young ones have. As people gets old, their bone structure and
muscles become less intense. In this respect, older people need to go work out
for strengthening their bone and muscles in order to keep healthy. Regular
exercise would make them healthy and prevent them from suffering from adult
diseases. For instance, last winter, my grandmother fell to the icy ground
while walking the street. Since she was 80 years old, and her backbone and the
muscles were so susceptible to getting hurt, she was likely to be broken her
backbone. She had a big surgery and did exercise regularly. She stretched her
body every morning and took a walk every night. Because she has kept working
out well, her backbone has recovered fast, and now she still enjoys doing
exercise. 이 문장이 잘 못 썼다는 것은 아닙니다. 하지만 문장과 문장간의 연결이 너무 약하고, 개연성이 거의 없습니다. 이는 이렇게 바꿔서 쓰면 더 좋을 것입니다. -> She had a huge surgery and did her exercise every morning and night. Thanks to her effort, she recovered very quickly and she still enjoys doing exercise even now. On top
of that, as people age (앞에도 이 어휘가 똑같이 나왔는데 이왕이면 반복되지 않도록 paraphrase해서 작성해주세요) , they spend less time doing outdoor activities.
Thus older people should do more exercise intentionally than younger people do.
I want to compare the case of my younger brother and my grandfather. My younger
brother likes to go outside and hang out with his friend. In his free time, he
often plays soccer and basketball. On the other hand, my grandfather often
stays all day along in the house watching television sitting on the sofa.
Besides, he has not done many outdoor activities since he had retired ten years
ago. Since his retirement, the amount of time for walking has declined. Last
year, When the flue infection prevailed, while my younger brother is not likely
to come down with the flue, my grandfather even caught pneumonia because he did
not have enough level of immunity for preventing the cold viruses. If he had
kept doing exercise regularly after retirement, he would have stopped having
pneumonia and maintained a healthy body. In brief, I firmly believe that it is
important for older people to do exercise and maintain health. This idea is
based on two reasons that people have weak bone and muscles as getting older,
and older people do less outdoor activities than younger ones do. In this
regard, work out should be done more for older people than younger ones.
전체적으로는 괜찮으나, 주장 면에서 조금은 반복되어서 사용된 것 같습니다. 그냥 예시만 달라진 느낌이여서 주장이나 이에 supporting detail 면에서는 가독성이 조금은 부족했던 것 같습니다. 또 rewrite가 필요한 부분이 꽤 있는 듯 한데, 이에 대해서는 proof reading할 때 조금 더 집중해서 자세히 작성하도록 해주세요
|