■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : It is better for students in high schools and universities to learn about particular fields and jobs than to study general subjects. |
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▶ Your Answer : Some people might say it is better to focus on studying general subjects in high schools and universities. However, I personally believe it is more advantageous if opportunities are given to students to learn about particular fields and jobs for subsequent reasons. First, it is more time-efficient when students start preparing for future jobs at an early age. Second, it provides them a better employment prospect.
To begin with, the earlier one gets to learn about specialized realms and jobs, the faster prepared he or she would be. Students are in the phase where they should prepare for their future occupations. This is something that takes time and a significant amount of considerations and efforts, which means that it would be far more beneficial when they start this process as early as possible. For instance, when I was in high school, students were asked to choose either to study basic curricular subjects or to go into particular fields and learn practical skills and theories. I chose the latter for my future job, which later turned out to be very beneficial to me that I could gain more expertise than my peers whom I met at work after graduating university.
On top of that, having focus on particular fields and jobs can offer students better employment chances in the future. Society these days requires workforce who have specialized and profound knowledge about their fields. A study conducted by the Center of Employee Health in Korea has illustrated this point. More than 70% of companies which participated in this research expect their applicants to be highly skilled, which indicates that they need at least four to five (아라비아 숫자와 기호 사용을 지양해주세요.) years of experience in the field after finishing their schools. This clearly shows that when students begin to focus on carrier-specific curriculum already in schools, it would provide them opportunities to start off their career more competent therefore more preferred.
In conclusion, it would benefit students if they gain these experiences when they are in schools, saving them so much time to be more competitive in the future job market. In this regard, I believe that it is preferable for students to prepare for specific careers. |
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첨삭 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다!!
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1. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
2. 무난하게 잘 쓰셨습니다. 문법도 좋고 어휘도 다양합니다.
다만 한 가지 아쉬운 점이 있다면 첫번째에서 퍼스널 예시를 설명할 때
나의 particular field or job이 무엇이고 그 분야에서
구체적으로 어떻게 성공하였는지 언급하여 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*