▶ Your Answer : Some people think that schools don’t have to invest more on improving the cafeteria menu or increasing chances of social activities after school. However, in my opinion, i think that schools should spare their finance to the school cafeteria or social activities. There are two reasons. First, students can be able to make good relationship with other people. Second, students’ level of happiness will be increased. To begin with, when there is some places that can communicate with others like cafeteria and social clubs, students can be able to enlarge their communication skills and make various friends. The meaning of success is differnet compared to the past. If it was merely focusing on one’s own way and excelling others, now it is different. Students can not only have social skills but also they can make lots of friends during using cafeteria and joining social activities. For example, a friend of mine was timid person so she had some trouble of make relationship with others. She was passive to everything and it was serious problem when she had to do group project. Since she wanted to change her personality, I recommended a guitar club which was famous for making friends and various activities. After joining the club, she changed entirely. She had no difficulties when there are team challenging things and got used to make social activities with othes. Secondly, students can be more happier. Due to hard working for many assignments, students are often tired for studying. In this situation, when studnets can have place to talk with others, they can feel relaxed and easily trash mental pressure. Having the outlet of stress has a meaning in itself since it helps regain energy and find the strength to go on. After having social interaction, they can be able to get back on track. For instance, there was a poll conducted by Seoul university with 100 students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about importance of place where students can have social activities. The majority of students replied that when they have hard time, they use school cafeteria or join the clubs so they can relieve their stress. This was mainly because when they get chance to communicate with others, they can talk about their worries to their friends and naturally they can get rid of stress. To sum up, students can be able to make good relationship with others. Moreover, they can relive their stress and be happy. In this regard, I firmly belive that schools should invest more on improving the cafeteria menu or increasing chances of social activities after school.
잘 쓰셨는데 typo은근히 많습니다. proof reading시에 이런 부분들은 다 고칠 수 있도록 해주세요. 주장 아주 clear focusing하고, 이에 대한 supporting detail들도 아주 solid한 편이어서, 읽기에 아주 좋습니다. 예시도 적절하게 잘 든 것 같아 (survey) 전체적인 가독성 좋았던 것 같습니다. conclusion이나 intro structure에 잘 맞게 작성해주셨습니다. 좋습니다 |