Do you agree or disagree?
Children should have art and music asmandatory school subjects along with math, history, science, and language.
Answer:
There might be some people who believe thatthe young do not have to learn art and music as mandatory school subjects.However, I disagree with the idea for subsequent reasons. First, art and musicare important for students to relieve stress. Second, these subjects helpstudents to develop their careers.
To begin with, classes of music and art areeffective stress relievers for children. To be specific, children, these days,are under a lot of stress due to the competitiveness of today's society. Ifthey only study math, history, science and language and rarely take a classabout art and music, it may contribute to health problems because thissituation could make students feel anxious. Therefore, they could be at greaterrisk for developing harmful diseases since stress weakens the immune system ofchildren. On the other hand, art and music classes provide a chance forstudents to recharge their mental batteries. Let me bring up my personal storyas an example. When I was in high school, one of my school's rule was thatstudents should take a class of art or music as mandatory subjects. At first, Ithought that learning art and music is not necessary for students and studentsshould only study mathematics, science and history for preparing SAT. However,as time went by, I felt comfortable when I took the art class. The class helpedme to escape from stress about studying. If I had not taken the art class asessential subjects, I would have been more stressed out.
On top of that, having art and music asmandatory school subjects is helpful for students to improve their careers.This is because, if students take appropriate art and music classes, they candevelop power of thoughts because activities in art and music classes enablestudents to express their feelings. In today's highly competitive labor market,it is crucial to obtain such attributes. Therefore, taking a lot of art andmusic classes as much as math, history and science is necessary to meet therequirement of a good employee. For instance, my uncle, the human resourcesmanager of a major company, always tells me that a job interview is the mostimportant part of recruitment process. He says that employers at the jobinterview primarily focus on candidates' positive attitude and thinking skillswhen hiring people. This means that learning music and art is necessary inorder to prepare for a more promising future.
In conclusion, music and art make studentsnot only feel comfortable but also improve their careers. These two reasons arefar significant for children. In this regard, I strongly agree with thestatement that art and music should become mandatory school subjects along withmath, history, science, and language for children.
띄어쓰기 해야합니다. 띄어쓰기가 하나도 되어있지 않다는 건 다 쓰고 나서 한번도 다시 안 읽어봤다는 뜻과 다름 없습니다.
proof reading은 항상 생활화 해야합니다.
paragraph의 첫 문장은 주장을 잘 드러낼 수 있어야하고, 너무 길면 안됩니다. having art and music mandatory--이건 이미
알고 있는 전제라서 다시 안 말해줘도 됩니다.->너무 말하고 싶으면 paraphrase해서 다른 표현을 써야합니다.
이렇게 동의어 사용하는거 연습 더 하는 걸 추천합니다.