Some people think that taking care of a pet is the most efficient way to improve children’s responsibility. However, I disagree with this opinion since children will find it difficult to raise a pet, and there is a possibility that they could get diseases from pets.
이렇게 factual하게 시작하기보다는 hook들어가면 좋을 것 같아요.
To begin with, children encounter a lot of difficulties while caring for a pet due to the ignorance of some cautions. 예시가 나오기 전에 주장 설명이 조금 있어야 합니다. 이렇게 main sentence나오고 바로 예시 나오면 중간이 빠진 듯 합니다. For example, when my friend was six he had his new puppy. He spent most of his time with it and gave a bunch of love. He loved it so much that he gave it chocolate, the most favorite food he liked. A few hours later, the dog was dead. Since he did not know that chocolate is lethal to pets, a tragedy occurred. This example shows that troubles might be made with no intention while children take care of their pets. 이렇게 this example shows-- 부분은 좋았는데 밑에도 똑같이 쓰면 안됩니다. 한 에세이당 한번씩만 쓰면 좋을 거 같습니다
On top of that, considering that there are a lot of jerks in pets’ bodies and mouths, children could be in danger. (어떤식으로 danger할 수 있는지 설명 문장이라도 하나 나오고 예시 나왔다면 훨씬 자연ㅅ러웠을 것입니다. )For instance, once my brother went on a trip to the countryside he encountered a lot of pets and animals, such as dogs, pigs, cats, and horses. The problem was he touched it and did not wash it. As a result, the jerks from those animals went to my brother’s body and he spent most of his time in the hospital. This example proves that caring for a pet might layout negative effects on children.
To sum up, a lot of difficulties exist and troubles occur while taking care of a pet for children, and serious illness might occur due to the bacteria from it. In this regard, I am firmly against the idea that the best way for children to learn responsibility is caring for a pet.