▶ Your Answer :
Those who disagree with the statement might say that infringing people’s freedom is unacceptable. However, I personally agree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First of all, limitation on free will is crucial to prevent crime in society. Second of all, a modern society is greatly competitive covered with competitions.
To begin with, we should control criminals with rigid regulations and punishment. This is because they already hindered other’s human right territory. Therefore, for preventing crime and effective punishment, criminals have to get confinement or rehabilitation. (Awkward sentence)
For example, a study was conducted by the University of Calgary in 2009 to determine whether electronic bracelet could affect the rehabilitation of sexual criminal. The researchers tracked the second offense rate of 200 offenders over a 5 year period. What they found was intriguing. The people who wore the bracelet were more tended to stay normal live normally without committing any crime than those who did not. This was because they could realize that they had made horrible decision in the past whenever they saw their devices around their arms. This study demonstrated that confining getting rid of criminal’s freedom is able to brings a positive effect on to the society.
On top of that, taking other people’s opportunity is sometimes inevitable when people try to obtain what they want. (Make it clear) Modern society is very competitive so people struggle to prove their abilities themselves. In one’s life, there are endless amount of competitions which usually have only one throne each.
I will illustrate my own experience as an example. When I was a high school student, I got a chance to attend a national art contest with three classmates. It gave me a lot of thrill because if I won this contest, I could get 3 million dollars as a prize and also gain an opportunity for an exchange student abroad. I did as possible as I could to win the contest and so did my classmates. Eventually, I attained the throne and got all the prizes. That moment became one of my favorite moments in life. Until now whenever I think about other friends who missed their chances, I feel sorry for them. This is because in somehow, I took their freedoms which was is their rights to get what they want. However, it was a competition, so therefore what I have done was is absolutely fair and acceptable.
To sum up, infringing someone’s freedom is sometimes necessary when it comes to controlling offenders. Also, there are various competitions that taking other’s opportunity could be justified in nowadays. In this regard I firmly believe that freedom of people could be restrained in some way.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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2
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3
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2
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2
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Score
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Limited 16-18
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주제문은 clear하게 명시해주셔야 합니다. 대체적으로 Main point없이 내용들이 정리가 되지 않은 느낌이 많습니다. 또한 구체적인 예시가 미흡하고, 자신의 주장에 따른 예시의 연관성 역시 적은 편입니다.
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