As
we enter into the 21st century, most
of the people around the
world are connected to each other via internet. around the world
Some people might consider it as an more integrated
society than the past. But I do not agree with
this opinion for two reasons as below. One thing is our developed technology
and the other is an easy accessibility to social network industry.
First
of all, the development of IT technology and science was to accelerate our life
in the comfortable and easy life to be more
comfortable and easier. Unfortunately at the same time, it loosened our dependence originally based on cooperation with each other, which comes along with
individualism getting worse more than ever. In the past, dependency on others was very high, we did lived by helping each other. So That’s why we were closely connected with other family members and friends.
But, as a technology gets advanced, we could mostly
depend started depended
mostly on internet information and IT technology so that we do not need
much other assistance. For example, when I have to do bulky of laundry in very
short time, the laundry machine with cutting-edged technology makes it easier
to do laundry in a very clean way. Through this,
I do not have to receive assistance or help from
my family. That make me live by myself along. Like this, I consider IT
technology advancement lets us free from other
connection. (이 문장이 너무 어색합니다. IT technology advancement의 영향이 오히려 긍정적인 효과를 가지고 오고 있다는 표현으로 쓰였어요.)
Secondly,
as everyone is available to unknown people each other via social network such
as twitter, face book and Instagram, at the same time, people get more ignorant
of the importance family and friends. (문장이 너무 길어요. 조금씩 끊어서 포인트를 더 잡아주세요.) According
to the a research conducted by Harvard
University’s psychologist study group, people feel comfortable when being
alone not when with others. The relationship
problem with others has been the main reason as to why people prefer to be along alone. Otherwise, they prefer to be connected via
social network community with those who they don’t really know each other.
Also, with these kinds of SNS activities, people
tend to be less careful for about their
relationship of with friends and family.
It shows that the independence of each person
makes it not necessary to live with other people
more than ever. Like this, for Social network
activities, people do not need the dependency on other help. (무슨 뜻인지 파악이 어렵습니다.) that’s why the appearance of community how people
live by gets more sporadic not close. (이 문장도 문법이 잘 안 맞고 무엇을 의미하는지 해석이 어려워요.)
In
the conclusion
To conclude, as astounding advancements for in IT
technology make us free from burdensome activities like
household chores, we expect others to help us no
longer and do not deed(이건 왜 사용하신거죠? Seek 말씀이신가요?) other assistance more than ever. And the attractive
social network keeps us from participating in
face-to-face meetings and gatherings. This is These are all contributing factors that our incentive to be
nicer and kind against others has been getting decrease. (이 문장도 문법이 너무 안 맞아요.) For
these reasons, I contend that because of the above statements that our society gets
more sporadic.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment:
문법에 너무 오류가 많습니다. 사소한 문법 실수부터 큰 실수까지
너무 많아서 글을 편하게 읽을 수가 없습니다. 흐름도 끊기고, 때론
뜻 전달까지 제한되는 경우가 많이 발생합니다. 문법 연습을 많이 하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.