▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that young person people should select a
different job field from their parents. However, in my opinion I believe that it is better for young persons to choose a job in the same field as their parents
than to choose a different job, and my argument can be supported with reasons
stated as follows. First, young people can get early experience from their
parents. Second, they have human network that is beneficial for their future. Third, they could perfect their parents’ paths and adjust for better ones.
The First, the
reason for my opinion that can be seen by every person is that young persons get plenty of experience from their parents. (시작이 매우 어색합니다. Seen by every person 이란 표현도 너무 객관적이고 증거가 없어서 사용하지 않는 걸 추천 드려요.) Children learn a lot from their parents, and parents can give you a lot (of what?) on job experience that only time can teach.
For example, Trump learned a lot of experience from his father who was also a
developer in New York City. He learned a lesson from his father on how to run a
business and this experience form young from
youth made him a successful career path (instead
of career path why not use the term businessman).
Second, they have human network that is beneficial for
their future. In many of the career paths, not only your ability is important but your
relationship with other people is important also. For example, personal
relationship with the partner could make business more successful. Moreover,
young people can have relationship in the field from their parents because
their parents also have personal relationship with people in career area. (can have relationships라는 표현은 보통 연애할 때 쓰는 표현이에요.) As a result young people who are in same career path with their parent
have an advantage of building a human network
earlier than others.
Third reason but possibly the most important reason is
that young people learn from their parents’
mistakes which make a
good background for making a better product than their parents. Advancement in
society is often made in not one generation but in
series of generations. Parents make some advancement and younger generation
follows. Therefore being in the same career field as their parents is not only beneficial for the
young person himself but also good for a the
society as a whole because advancement have good impacts
on whole society.
To sum up, young persons
can get a lot of experience from their parents. Moreover, they have a human
network from the start. Lastly, working in the same field for generations make great advancement for society. In this
regard, I believe that young persons should
choose a job in the same field as their parents than to choose a different job
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment:
글의 포인트는 잘 잡아주셨으나, 문법 실수가 너무 잦습니다. 때로는 어울리지 않는 표현들을 억지로 사용하시는 것 같아서 아쉬웠어요.
Young persons 라는 표현보다 the youth가 더 어울리는 것처럼요. 또한 문장 구성이 너무 단순합니다.
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