문제 : These days, being able to work with other people is more critical than it was before.
Some people argue that it is more important for people in the past to work with others compared to nowadays. However, in my opinion, this perspective is not true for two following reasons which I am going to elaborate. One reason is that people nowadays must relieve stress when they work with their peers. Another reason is that people these days have to meet many people compared to the past.
To begin with, by doing work with peers with good relationship, people can relieve their stress. Nowadays, people always have to compete to seize limited opportunities provided by their companies. It was unthinkable in the old time but These days, all people have same problems in this world we live in. It can cause emotional problems, health problem and poor performances at work. However, if people have good relationship with their peers in work place, they can reduce a significant amount of stress in a period of time. A survey was conducted by UCLA's research department. The survey participants were composed of one hundred current workers. They were asked that what you do when you are stressed. The result showed that 78% of the participants answered that they spent time with their friends in office. They also said that they talked about many things with them such as their boss or coworkers. So I can in order to get rid of my stress. While the 22% of the participants had claimed that I went to park or gym. (주제와 관련이 없는 불필요한 문장입니다) This survey confirms that people nowadays can reduce stress when they have good relationship with their co-workers.
On top of that, one has to meet a lot of people compared to the past. In the past, all people had to be committed to one or few tasks within the family, like farming with their families. However, these days, people have to do work with many type of people in this society we live in. Thus, having interpersonal skill is really crucial for people compared to the old days. For example, when my grandmother was in her twenties, she always met my grandfather only. She worked at the only her house and did not have time to meet other people. However, my mother always go to Gangnam to work these days, and have many meetings in different cities. Also, this office has hundreds of workers that she have to meet everyday.
On the whole, I believe I have accurately demonstrated my point of view on this matter. To sum up, people have to relieve stress by having a good relationship with peers, and social skill is more important compared to the past since they have to meet many people in work place compared to the past. In this regard, I think being able to work with other people is more required for people nowadays than the past.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC | ORGANIZATION | PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE | LANGUAGE USE | GRAMMAR |
FAIR | FAIR | FAIR | FAIR | FAIR |
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD |
- 1st body의 경우에는 "직장동료들과 함께 일하며 협동심 등을 배울 수 있고 이에 따라 혼자 하나의 task를 해결하는 것에 비해 스트레스도 덜 받고 더 효율적으로 일할 수 있다" 등 조금 더 "함께 일하는 것이 주는 benefit"을 일관되게 작성해주세요.